Posts by Josh Santos
New Records Unveil Rick Scott is an Illegal Alien
Tampa History Center – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 6.25.19 While doing routine cleaning of an artifacts display, a Tampa History Center employee was possessed by an ancient spirit that escaped from a broken vase. The ancient spirit granted the employee, Jake Boogie, the knowledge necessary to read and translate the symbols hidden in the artifacts…
Read MoreFlorida Private Prison Enacts Anti-Body-Shaming Policy
Hillsborough Private Prisons – Hillsborough County – Friday, 6.21.19 A privately owned and operated prison in Florida is enacting new guidelines to discourage body shaming between the prisoners and guards. “I’m in here because I’m real bad,” said Rudy Pootie, “I used to get made fun of a lot, and it hurt my feelings, and…
Read MoreTeen Juul Lounge opens in International Mall
International Mall – Hillsborough County – Thursday, 6.19.19 Tampa’s International Mall is getting ready for a multi-million dollar renovation that will see the first ever teen-focused Juul Lounge. “I’m excited,” said Tampa teenager Bittle Peehul, “I only get to smoke my Juul when my parents aren’t looking. Now whenever we go to the mall and…
Read MoreRick Scott to Trump: “Let me harvest the souls of the detained immigrant children”
Sanctuary City Headquarters – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 6.18.19 Rick Scott, the junior Senator from Florida who spent $83 million to get elected, is advising President Trump to allow him access to the detained children camps so that he may harvest immigrant children’s souls and extend his life meter. “I made my fortune defrauding Medicare…
Read MoreTampa Opens Kill Shelter for Juggalos
SoHo Family Dollar – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 6.18.19 To address an overwhelming concern from local residents, Tampa officials announced that a new kill shelter will be opening to house several hundred juggalos who currently overrun many Tampa neighborhoods. “It’s about time we started doing something about this nasty, destructive and invasive species,” said SoHo…
Read MoreDowntown Tampa’s The Hub to Release Own Line of Vape Juice
Downtown Tampa – Hillsborough County – Monday, 6.17.19 One of downtown Tampa’s cultural centers, The Hub, announced big plans to release their own line of nicotine vape juice in an effort to reach a younger generation of cool people. “I don’t chain smoke cigarettes like I used to,” says retired schoolteacher Meggie Murkle. “The only…
Read MoreThe Florida Aquarium to give free admission to guests who are wet
The Florida Aquarium – Hillsborough County – Sunday, 6.15.2019 A new summer promotion from The Florida Aquarium in Tampa’s Channelside District is getting some people wet with excitement. From now until the end of summer, The Florida Aquarium will allow free entry to anyone who shows up soaking wet. Getting caught in the Florida rain…
Read MoreAutonomous Cars Fear Driving on Roads with Florida Drivers
Selmon Expressway – Hillsborough County – Thursday, 6.13.19 Transportation providers are bracing for the impact of autonomous cars, but the vehicles themselves are expressing concerns about being on the road with Florida drivers. “I don’t want to leave this garage,” said a Tesla Model S that was charging up in my friends garage. I broke…
Read MorePublix gears up for Free Sub Day
Publix Lakeland Headquarters – Polk County – Thursday 6.13.19 A Publix whistleblower is claiming that the chain is preparing for one of the biggest sandwich giveaways in Florida history. “I’ve been waiting in line for this sandwich so long that I could have bought all the ingredients, gone home and made it myself with some…
Read MoreTampa announces plan to make traffic worse
Downtown Tampa – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 6.12.19 While pretending to listen to a packed room of angry citizens, Hillsborough County leaders announced their plans to make the highway worse for everyone. “We’ve been listening to the community complain about this monstrosity cutting through the middle of our city for many years now,” said Hillsborough…
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