Posts by Josh Santos
USF Study Concludes Conservative White Males Are Better Lovers, Decision Makers
USF Human Research Center – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 6.11.19 A new study conducted by University of South Florida’s award winning sociology department has discovered that conservative white males between the ages 28 to 68, ranked as the best sex partners. “We asked 8,000 women of all ages and ethnicities about their vaginas,” said Sociology…
Read MoreFDOT Announces new I-275 Whites-only Express Lanes
Tampa Information Center – Hillsborough County – Saturday, 6.8.2019 The Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) held a community meeting today to announce a new transportation initiative to cure Tampa’s Interstate 275 bottleneck and malfunction junction. “We’ve noticed that a lot of historic buildings, low-income housing and hipster-type restaurants are still up along the sides of…
Read MoreTop 5 Places to Lie About Your Identity
Tampa is a city that gives everyone the chance to live the life they have always wanted, with no criticism. If you’re going to lie about your identity while you’re hanging out in Tampa, definitely do it at one of these places: 5. Strip Club These women don’t know you, they don’t know what you…
Read MoreTampa Voted Best City to Get Black Out Drunk
Ybor City – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 6.5.2019 Citing an extensive list of breweries and craft distilleries within driving distance from each other, Drink Time Magazine has named Tampa the best city in the world to get black out drunk. “I’ve gotten pretty messed up in plenty of towns, especially around Florida,” said Drink Time…
Read MoreMatt Gaetz Pelted with Water Balloons Full of Semen
Pensacola Town Hall – Escambia County – Tuesday, 5.4.2019 While leaving a town hall today, Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz was pelted by supporters with water ballons full of human and pig semen. “Any regular person who receives this kind of treatment would be outraged,” said Gaetz while licking some of the semen off his face, “But…
Read MoreRussian Hackers Lose Cyberwar with Tampa Teen
Carrolwood Apartments – Hillsborough County – Friday, 5.31.2019 A Tampa teen is being hailed as a hero for thwarting Russian hacking attempts today. “I was doing one of my regular local government site checks and saw a group of Russian hackers cybering on an open port,” said 16-year-old hacker Mikey “SweetWhips69” Paulo. “It was my…
Read MoreTampa Bay Rays Convert Tropicana Field into Food Truck
Florida State Fairgrounds – Hillsborough County – Thursday, 5.30.2019 In an attempt to get more people to attend games, the Tampa Bay Rays have officially announced that they have secretly converted Tropicana Field into a food truck and will soon begin touring the state of Florida. “I was watching that movie Mortal Engines with my…
Read MoreRick Scott Defends his Confederate Flag Face Tattoo
Ybor Tattoo Shop on 7th – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 5.30.2019 While on a trip to Ybor City to promote hurricane preparedness, Senator Rick Scott decided to get inked by legendary tattoo artist, MarcoEllis Phillifes. “When he came into my shop, I saw a beautiful canvas,” said Phillifes, a third-generation tattoo artist from Ybor City.…
Read MoreTampa Ranked 6th Best For Smell
Downtown Tampa – Hillsborough County – Sunday, 5.26.2019 The National Organization of Smelling Enforcement (NOSE) has ranked Tampa among the best smelling cities in the world. “Once your nostrils get accustomed to the humidity, the things you can smell in this town are unbelievable,” said NOSE Official City Sniffer, Laura Grenie. “I can count all…
Read MoreTampa Police Under Fire for Barbecuing Homeless People
Tampa Neighborhood Park – Hillsborough County – Saturday, 5.25.2019 A neighborhood police BBQ turned up the heat to 11 today after one of the officers manning the grill was accused of giving most of the food to homeless people. “We told them last night to clear out the park so we could set up for…
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