Tampa Information Center – Hillsborough County – Saturday, 6.8.2019
The Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) held a community meeting today to announce a new transportation initiative to cure Tampa’s Interstate 275 bottleneck and malfunction junction.
“We’ve noticed that a lot of historic buildings, low-income housing and hipster-type restaurants are still up along the sides of the highway,” said FDOT Spokesperson Dukie Shues. “This plan will displace them to make way for an express lane that can only be driven by people who register for a new tag at the DMV that verifies they are here in the country legally, and own a white car.”
Shues asked to see my ID, but I refused.
“Why are you afraid to show me your ID,” she asked me in a suspicious way while tightly holding me by the wrist and calling over security. “I know you came here to interview me but I have a few people here who have a few questions for you.”
A group of men in polos with open-carry gun holster belts walked in to the room, surrounding Shues and I.
“Now hand over your ID or my friends here are going to have to assume you are an unaccompanied illegal minor, and let’s just say they are going to reconnect you with your parents.” Shues laughed and walked out of the community meeting room, “Have fun boys!”
I stood there surrounded by armed security guards, completely unarmed.
“Why are you all building more lanes?” I asked the security men who now all had their guns drawn at me, but they remained silent.
“Why are y’all pointing guns at me instead of enforcing traffic laws to stop assholes from driving all crazy and causing backups?” I screamed while looking around as they stepped closer to me.
I dropped into the fetal position and covered my face, “Please! We already spent years expanding the highway.” I cried and pooped my pants. “We don’t need more lanes, we need more investments in public transit and other alternatives that are better for the environment and connecting communities to better our society.”
The security guys then opened fire and left my body there to decompose. The community center was later bulldozed to make way for the fifth expansion to the I-275 and I-4 Interchange. What was once Seminole Heights, Tampa Heights, Ybor City, Riverside Heights, West Shore, Sulfur Springs, Greater Carrollwood, Citrus Park, West Chase and Oldsmar is now one giant lane-less highway.