Posts by Josh Santos
Editorial: David Straz the candidate for Tampa as the prophecy foretold
Tampa News Force Headquarters – Hillsborough County – Tuesday 4.23.2019 Archeologists have discovered ancient scrolls at the Jackson House site in Downtown Tampa which described the coming of a rich businessman who will lead the city by the Bay to claim the title of the the next ‘Great City in America’ . “I’m not one…
Read MoreTampa Tap Water Declared Too Flammable
Pinedreams Trailer Community – Hillsborough County – Monday 4.15.2019 Tampa government officials were called in to a Tampa trailer park community to inspect some water lines that tenants were complaining spouted flammable water. “We’re okay with some flames, coming out of the faucet,” says trailer owner Dallas Rothschild. “Like if I want to boil some…
Read MoreI-275 to Triple in Size, New FDOT Details Released
Tampa Community Center – Hillsborough County – Tuesday 4.9.2019 After many years of continuous planning and drafting, the Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) has finalized a plan that will see Interstate 275 triple in size. “We’ve gotten every single suggestion imaginable when it comes to fixing the traffic in Tampa,” says FDOT Planning and Research…
Read MoreBidding War Begins Between Lutz and Land’O Lakes Over New Cracker Barrel
Tampa Premium Outlets – Hillsborough County – 4.7.2019 Cracker Barrel recently announced it will build the biggest restaurant and gift shop in its franchise somewhere in Tampa, but they can’t decide between Lutz and Land’O Lakes. “We think we deserve it more,” says Lutz Mayor Carlos Whetherford. “We technically have the Wal-Mart but when I…
Read MoreLet’s Just Say You’re Going to Need a Passport To Fly Into Tampa Now
Peter O. Knight Airport – Hillsborough County – Friday 4.5.2019 In a very confusing move that is concerning many locals, Tampa’s local government has issued a strict passport policy for anyone flying to the city. “After what happened with Davis Island and Harbor Island seceding, we can’t be too sure about anyone,” said Tampa City…
Read MoreTampa Builds Invisible Water Bridge Connecting Riverwalk to Julian B Lane
Downtown Tampa – Hillsborough County – Monday 4.1.2019 Local leaders today celebrated the completion of a walkable bridge connecting Riverwalk to the new Julian B. Lane park that is having pedestrians do a double take. Thanks to new technology, engineers have constructed a nearly invisible bridge that gives the illusion of guests walking on water.…
Read MoreArmature Works Opens Spice and Bath Salt Lounge in Parking Lot Dumpster
Tampa Heights – Hillsborough County – Saturday 3.30.2019 Spice smokers and bath salt enthusiasts from around the world gathered at Armature Works today for the opening of the greatly anticipated dumpster lounge, Spícè. Spearheaded by Armature Works’ very own homemade spice enthusiast, Keech ‘The Dishwasher’ Williams, the lounge began as a passion project with designer…
Read MoreFlorida Passes Legislation Enforcing Turn Signal Use, Citizens Panic
Tallahassee – Leon County – Wednesday 3.27.2019 After months of bipartisan bickering, the Florida House argued late into early Wednesday morning during a special session that saw the passage of HB 469 making turn signals mandatory during all lane merging or turning. The House voted 57-56 to pass the legislation and was sent to Gov.…
Read MoreTampa Heights to Ungentrify
Tampa Heights – Hillsborough County – Saturday 3.23.2019 After an unnecessarily heated meeting, neighborhood and city leaders agreed to ungentrify the neighborhood of Tampa Heights. “We felt bad for the people who already lived there,” says Tampa Government Gentrification Specialist, Willard Sardone. “All the açaí bowl places and craft beer bars will soon become homes…
Read MoreDavid Straz campaign accidentally changes slogan to ‘How much money do you fuckboys want?’
Downtown Tampa – Hillsborough County – Monday 3.18.2019 While the Tampa mayoral runoff is still weeks away, candidate David Straz has received some swift criticism for a small error that led to accidentally changing the slogan to his campaign. “We don’t know who changed it, or why it said that when we printed it,” says…
Read More