Health
Uber Eats driver is most trusted healthcare professional in Tampa Bay
A recent poll of consumer satisfaction trends indicates that Ryan Milger, a delivery driver for Uber Eats, is considered the most trustworthy healthcare professional in the Tampa Bay region. “You can’t trust doctors and nurses these days,” says Beverly Rimsworth of Dunedin. “Doctors make money from people being classified as being sick. Food delivery drivers…
Read MorePeople forced to confront issues during epidemic
Local psychologists, who have congregated through social media and compared notes from current patients, have discovered that the epidemic is actually forcing people to deal with their issues now that they have no distractions from the outside world. “It’s just me with my family.” Said Kyle Loggler via Google Hangout. “When you’re not being influenced…
Read MoreCOVID-19 cure found in microwaved urine
Langsley Newton of Deltona Lakes, Florida has discovered that after a diet of microwaved urine for two weeks, ze is no longer infected with the Covid-19 Coronavirus. Doctors attribute the desecration of the disease to the fact that Newton’s body was under extreme stress and panic which caused a mass exodus of toxins from zirs…
Read MoreFour Exercises for Staying in Shape During the Quarantine
With beaches now open in Florida but gyms still closed, staying in shape during quarantine doesn’t have to be difficult if you follow these simple excercises. 1. Getting Out of Bed Getting out of bed is a great way to work out your legs because it requires you to stand up, which forces your legs…
Read MoreWorld Health Organization recommends government restrictions on alcohol distribution
“Alcohol is known to be harmful to health in general, and is well understood to increase the risk of injury and violence, including intimate partner violence, and can cause alcohol poisoning.”
Read MoreCDC releases statement: Coronavirus actually has Tampa origin
”I just want to apologize to China and to the Chinese people who have been unfairly and ruthlessly judged because we thought CODVID-19 originated from a Chinese citizen eating an infected bat. It turns out bats are completely safe to eat and we have just been being total dicks about it.” Dr. Wolfe said solemnly at a CDC press conference at Tampa General Hospital.
Read MoreCoronavirus dies from Coronavirus
“I know you’re not supposed to celebrate a death,” said Tampa resident Brenner Yuletide, “But I’ve got to say, I’m happy this mean SOB is dead!” Yuletide continued.
Read MoreTampa Area Devastated by Coronavirus Not Infecting Rick Scott
“It’s really been a struggle for us,” said Cindy Mae Watkins, pastry chef by day and reasonable adult by night. “We keep hoping and praying for him to at least get a cough and a fever. Yet he persists. It’s as though there’s no God at all.”
Read MoreAre Doctors Curing COVID-19 Patients by Turning Them Gay?
While investigating an unrelated news tip, Tampa News Force discovered a secret group of doctors who are attempting to cure COVID-19 patients by forcing them to perform sexual acts with people of the same gender. “While everyone has been practicing social distancing, we have found same gender unions have experienced lower COVID-19 infection rates,” said…
Read MoreIntroverts jerk off to the idea of never going out again
“I can’t wait to just jerk my own lil ding dong off all day long and creep on strangers who don’t know me!”
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