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“Drag queen brunch turned my son into a school shooter” Mother mourns

Drag Brunch

Janice Welkins, mother of Bernard Avery, is mourning the death of her son, after he was killed by police during a school shooting where he unsuccessfully attempted to kill his classmates, and it’s being blamed on a drag queen brunch they attended the weekend prior.

“I didn’t want to believe the Republican politicians in Florida, I thought they were crazy, but it’s true, drag queens hosting events will cause children to become corrupt and do things like shoot up their schools or disfigure their genitals because they want to have sex changes.” Wept Welkins.

“During the drag brunch there was an entire portion where the drag queens danced while an anti-school shooting power point played behind them. But you know kids; reverse psychology.” Welkins shrugged, stopping to wipe tears from her eyes and blow her nose.

“They kept telling kids not to commit school shootings, and I was wondering why they were saying that so much, and then it became obvious that they were trying to implant that idea in their head through that reverse psycho-whatever-it-is-and-what-not.” Welkins waved her hands in the air erratically.

“He never would have done a school shooting if it weren’t for drag brunch! Normally on Sunday’s he just sits in his room and plays ‘School Shooter Simulator 2k15’ on his Playstation, completely peaceful. That was the first Sunday I took him away from that game. I should have never changed up his routine, I should have just let him play his video game and write his manifestos on how much he hated school and was going to commit a radical act that would ‘fix everything.’” Welkins thoroughly explained, revealing what was most likely the actual cause of Avery’s behavior.

“He loved his guns and he hated his classmates and he would go on and on at dinner about how he was going to do something about it one day, and that was fine, he never did it, it was just like story-time at dinner and we would have good laughs. But I know it was that drag queen brunch that did it. Oooo that god forsaken drag queen brunch.” Welkins wagged her finger and steamed with rage.

Republican politicians have already started using Welkins’ story as another reason to ban drag queen events nationwide.

“Drag queens turn your children into school shooters… and also… it makes them… um… Weird! It makes your kids weird!” Touted some random guy who’s name I forgot because I was also watching something funny on Tik Tok during his speech.

Honestly I’m sitting on the edge of my bed writing this one with the laptop perched up on some pillows on top of a folding table. It’s not the most comfortable position but it is inventive and if you could see the set up you would be impressed, I’m sure of it. 

So unfortunately, while there is so much more meat left on the bone for this concept (there’s not) I’m going to have to call it early and end the story.


“That’s it boys, pack it up!” I yell to the workers

Hundreds of tired men smudged with coal trudge down from a large ambiguous machine that nobody seems to be confident in what it does.

Then the men file into a massive train that shoots them hurdling at high speeds towards some less densely populated area. Like a sub-urban area.

Then they go into their homes and they eat dinner with their families, and they yearn for excitement and change, but they don’t bring that up because it would cause too many issues with the other people in the family.

So they get drunk and watch TV quietly while the rest of the family runs around and does whatever.

And the men fantasize about the hot girl they hooked up with high school and wonder what they’re doing now.

Then they pass out in a chair watching TV.

Then they wake up and go to bed where their wives are already sleeping, and get in the bed next to her.

Then they wake up and they come back to this article to keep working on it.

But it never gets finished.

Because we know that as long as they keep working on it, we keep getting paid. So we stretch the project out indefinitely.

And nothing ever gets done, and no progress is made, but we continue to appear busy.

And generations pass, and people wonder what the construction is about and when the thing is going to get finished and ultimately it gets scrapped and becomes a parking lot.

And that, is how “it” works.

“It” being “everything” in this case.

And by “everything” I mean, “not actually everything, because I’m just rambling and I think I stopped making sense a while ago.”

But you know what they say:

“If it don’t make sense, it don’t make dollars!”

So, yea, they’ve said that a lot.

At least around me.

They might be different around you.

I don’t know how they act around you.

Maybe my relationship with them is different than yours. Because that’s just the nature of interaction and chemistry. Different substances create different outcomes and results.

It’s like math.

Actually it’s not “like” math, it is math.

That’s math.

And this is also math.

No that second one wasn’t.

Just the first thing.

But the question is, what is the first thing?

Wow, have you ever thought about that?

What was the first thought?

Who had it?

Did you have it?

Did I have it?

Are we all the same person living different existences?

Are we all God?

I don’t know?

Are you?

Think about it.

Tell me if you think you’re God.

That could help facilitate the conversation.

If you think you’re God.

And if that’s good or bad.

Cool, ok, goodnight, story over.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds