Skip to content

Every Road in Tampa Now Under Construction


Thanks to an influx of taxpayer money, the City of Tampa has finally decided to tackle all of its overdue infrastructure maintenance projects at the same time.

“Now that we are one of the greatest places on earth, their words not mine, we can finally start to fix up some of the cracks in the roads,” said Mayor Jane Castor during an infrastructure conference call.

After decades of ignoring transportation concerns, the Tampa government is confident that the citizens of Tampa will not mind a few street closures.

“We have some of the fastest and brightest engineers making sure businesses stay open and people get to where they need to go,” said Mayor Castor.

“I wake up every morning and I receive no notification or notice about what’s going on outside my house,” said Marthollemew Mendoza, a local resident of the Tampa Heights neighborhood. “It’s a guessing game to see which street is going to be closed next.”

When Mendoza attempted to go to work today, he was stuck behind a lane closure along one of Tampa’s least busy roads.

“I figured once I got to the light things would ease up, but every detour led to more road closures.” Said Mendoza, who was Facetiming me as he was still stuck in traffic. “I left my house at six in the morning to try and get an early start, it’s almost 8 PM now.”

Citizens have taken to social media to voice their concerns, but no one cares to listen or respond to them.

“Yes, every road is under construction, but the crews will be wrapped up soon and everyone will be able to go back to speeding and switching lanes without using a turn signal,” said Mayor Castor, as she assured citizens to be patient as crews continue their work.

The City of Tampa hopes to complete all of its infrastructure updates by the end of 2027, and it will celebrate by announcing the expansion of Interstate 275, which will consume all of Tampa.

By 2032, the City of Tampa hopes that every single square inch of Tampa will be covered in drivable asphalt, just in time for the Summer Olympics where everyone will arrive by personal flying drone.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos