There are reports that gay people are going door-to-door in an effort to indoctrinate people and turn them gay.
“Hi! Do you have a few minutes to talk about Our Creator, Oscar Wilde?” begins a typical pitch.
One Carrollwood family recently encountered a pair of these ‘Gospel of Gay’-spreading missionaries, Darren and Devin.
“We actually saw them outside, walking by our house. They said hello, seemed nice and so we invited them in,” said Rusty Billows, the family patriarch. “We figured, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“On the way in, Darren picked up my 11-year-old son Kyle’s basketball, dribbled three times and executed a perfect 360 degree spinning, two-handed dunk on the hoop in our driveway. Kyle said, ‘whoa!’ and Darren high-fived him,” said Billows. “And now, you guessed it, he’s gay.”
“I can’t dunk; hell, I barely hit 50% on free throws,” he added sadly.
“See, that’s how they get you,” said Hal Hawthorne, whose title with a local Christian church is ‘Gay Deprogrammer’. “They make you think they’re regular people who do cool things. He had no business being good at basketball; he should stick to singing ‘Memories’ from Cats. It’s easy for us normal people to ignore things like Pride month and Broadway musicals. Dunking a basketball or doing a kick flip on a skateboard is going to get a youngster’s attention.”
“That’s absurd. He’s trying to demonize us, making our actions seem sinister,” said Devin. “We are regular people. We just talk to people and maybe leave some literature for them to peruse when they get a chance, that’s all. Ultimately they have to define their identities and decide how they’re going to deal with others on their own.”
“And for the record, I can do a kick flip,” he added for some reason.
“That’s the kind of nefarious tactic I’m talking about!” said Hawthorne. “Everyone knows that good Christian people can’t be trusted to make up their own minds!