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Researchers report affliction almost entirely eradicated in Tampa Bay

Clinical researchers from the University of South Florida (USF) have announced that virtually all traces of the dreaded disease of Survivor’s Guilt (SG) have been completely wiped out in the Tampa Bay Area. 

“It’s about time,” chuckled USF head researcher Laura Jeff Anderson. “Every year we have storms and every year we go through the hassle of feeling bad when someone else gets wiped out but we don’t. Finally, aside from a small handful of outliers, we’ve fully turned the corner and are saying good bye to the inconvenience of acknowledging the pain and suffering of others.”

She said that USF has been analyzing the data but didn’t directly influence this and that it has developed naturally over time.

“Our empathy and compassion levels have been degrading rapidly for years. Just look at socio-political discourse, how we treat the environment, the way we behave at sporting events and concerts, how we treat the homeless or just how we interact with one another on the internet and in real life,” she said. “If anything, this would appear to be a next step in our evolution as a species, which is kind of terrifyingly pathetic if you think about it, and which I’m just now processing for the first time in my life.”

She then began weeping and wrapping her own arms tightly around herself. 

Toby Jane Heathcliff of Tampa says he’s relieved.

“I’ve been SG negative my whole life. If some dumbass wants to live in Keaton Beach and gets his shit rocked but I’m okay, hey, sucks to be him, but I’m sick and tired of having to act like I feel anything more than that about it,” he said. “Now that just about everybody else is on board I can finally live my true life openly and honestly without judgment for being the complete piece of shit that I am.”

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54