Posts Tagged ‘Florida’
Desperate Florida schools turn to student teachers
Florida schools are facing a major staffing crisis, with over a thousand unfilled positions in Hillsborough County alone, where the school year began yesterday. As a result, they are turning to the school’s students themselves as a last resort. “We tried to recruit unqualified military veterans. That didn’t work. We’ve tried everything, every possible option,”…
Read MoreFirst Lady coming to Florida!
A while back last year, First Lady Jill Biden (FLOTUS for short) and Dr. Anthony Fauci visited Tampa and we submitted a request for press credentials to see them. After what was obviously a thorough vetting by the Secret Service, the request was granted! Since then, FLOTUS’s office keeps in touch, specifically Asjia Garner: Communications…
Read MoreFlorida Republicans Vow to Violently Defund Education
After announcing sanctions against school districts that impose mask mandates, Florida Republicans have announced a plan to fully defund public education. “These school districts are trying to protect children from something that isn’t even real,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a joint meeting with Florida Education Commissioner Richard Corcoran. “It’s time that we de-militarized…
Read MoreMiddle School Critical Race Theory Class Interrupted by Florida SWAT Team
Seventh graders at JFK Middle Magnet School today witnessed the first casualty in the fight to stop the teaching of Critical Race Theory in schools. “I was teaching certain concepts of race and racism to my students,” said Claire McCowski, a white woman who teaches kids in an inner-city public school. “Apparently, I’m not supposed…
Read MoreThousands prepare to flock to state they say they can’t stand
As traditional social activities begin resuming under somewhat “normal”, pre-COVID conditions, many people who claim to hate the state of Florida are making plans to visit the state of Florida. “Man, everything about that place is straight-up trash, with meth and STD’s everywhere”, said Chad Wheeley, a sophomore at Syracuse University. “And I can not…
Read MoreFlorida’s Amendment 4 Gives Felons Who Served Their Time the Right to Go Fuck Themselves
Governor Ron DeSantis held a press conference today hoping to set the record straight on the intent of Amendment 4 that was passed in 2018. DeSantis dismissed concerns that he did everything in his power to stop the will of the people of Florida who overwhelmingly voted to give felons who served their time in…
Read MoreRick Scott Sees His Shadow, Predicts Six More Weeks of Broken Unemployment System
Unemployed Floridians this week waited in anticipation for an announcement from Governor Ron DeSantis about the state’s broken unemployment system. “We wanted to fix this thing as fast as we could,” said DeSantis who was licking a lollipop and pooping into a diaper under his suit. “Our unemployment system is broken because the guy before…
Read MoreRick Scott Urges Floridians To Wear A Mask, Admits He Impregnated Baby Goat
During a recent interview with Tampa News Force, Florida Senator Rick Scott urged all Floridians to wear a mask if they are in public, the message was very brief. “I’ve quarantined a couple of times due to my run-ins with people with the virus,” said Scott, who was chatting with me on Zoom and had…
Read MoreA letter of apology to Rick Scott
Hi Rick Scott, my name is Chingy and I work for Tampa News Force. In the past we have covered some of your major accomplishments, such as the time you won the award for Best Dick Pic, and that time you kicked a baby in the nuts, also that time that you were found eating…
Read MoreFlorida Police Announce ‘Guns for Mask’ Program
In an effort to supply more citizens in Florida with the N95 mask, the Brandon, Florida, police department has set-up a ‘Guns for Mask’ exchange to encourage gun owners to turn in their guns for a 10-pack of masks. “The hell I’m giving up my guns for something my wife can crochet together,” said fellow…
Read More