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DeSantis bans February

February

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced early this morning that effective immediately the month of February is illegal throughout the state. “The month of January will now be 45 days long and will be known as Janmaxuary and March will also be 45 days and shall be referred to as MarchUltra,” the Governor declared. “All the…

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The State of Florida Guide on how to get rid of unwanted migrants

Migrants

(Reposted as a public service on behalf of the Florida State Government as interpreted by Governor Ron DeSantis who is totally not a tyrant.) Do you have a problem with migrants infesting your neighborhood, raping and murdering you? Of course you do. Don’t bother looking out the window to see for yourself; take our word…

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Charlie Crist changes name to connect with evangelical Christians

Charlie Christ

In an effort to appeal to conservative voters in the upcoming election for Florida governor, Democratic Party nominee Charlie Crist has changed his name to Chuckie Christ. “It occurred to me that some people might not realize that I’m a direct descendant of The Original Guy,” he said. “He’s actually my uncle, from Nazareth, which…

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Sarasota author has book on how to ban books banned

Banned

Reverend Rufus Queefleton of Sarasota is dismayed to learn that the book he recently published to help people learn how to ban books has been banned in libraries and public schools in Florida. “This is outrageous!” he said. “It’s a book on how to ban books. The title is “How To Ban Books”. How are…

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TNF post-primary preview in review

Charlie & Nikki

Following Tuesday’s tightly contested 2022 Florida Democratic Party gubernatorial primary between Rep. Charlie Crist and Florida Agricultural Commissioner Nikki Fried (and apparently two other people nobody ever heard of), here are the official analysis and endorsements from Tampa News Force, which probably would have suited you better if it came out yesterday or even earlier.…

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Desperate Florida schools turn to student teachers

Teacher

Florida schools are facing a major staffing crisis, with over a thousand unfilled positions in Hillsborough County alone, where the school year began yesterday. As a result, they are turning to the school’s students themselves as a last resort. “We tried to recruit unqualified military veterans. That didn’t work. We’ve tried everything, every possible option,”…

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First Lady coming to Florida!

FLOTUS loves TNF

A while back last year, First Lady Jill Biden (FLOTUS for short) and Dr. Anthony Fauci visited Tampa and we submitted a request for press credentials to see them. After what was obviously a thorough vetting by the Secret Service, the request was granted! Since then, FLOTUS’s office keeps in touch, specifically Asjia Garner: Communications…

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Florida Republicans Vow to Violently Defund Education

Defunding education

After announcing sanctions against school districts that impose mask mandates, Florida Republicans have announced a plan to fully defund public education. “These school districts are trying to protect children from something that isn’t even real,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a joint meeting with Florida Education Commissioner Richard Corcoran.  “It’s time that we de-militarized…

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Thousands prepare to flock to state they say they can’t stand

As traditional social activities begin resuming under somewhat “normal”, pre-COVID conditions, many people who claim to hate the state of Florida are making plans to visit the state of Florida. “Man, everything about that place is straight-up trash, with meth and STD’s everywhere”, said Chad Wheeley, a sophomore at Syracuse University. “And I can not…

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