To celebrate a new partnership with the United States, the Taliban will open their first of many planned embassies in Downtown Tampa.
“After 20 years of fighting, we want to move away from this never-ending war with a positive militant religious message,” said Taliban leader Haibatullah Akhunzada during our meeting in a random cave in Afghanistan. “From this day forward, Kabul and all of Afghanistan will be a peaceful place and our hope is to be one of Tampa’s official Sister City’s.”
Akhunzada took off his suicide vest to prove to me that he was serious about the Taliban’s new positive branding. He then put on a very nice sweater vest and removed his turban to reveal he had a man bun.
“Tampa is the best city in the world right now, and we want to emulate that in Kabul,” said Akhunzada who was now eating ice cream. “Sure, the United States leaving the country has given us plenty of opportunities to take over all of Afghanistan, but it’s because we want to make this a better place.”
The Taliban have shared plans to tax their citizens to build a football stadium in hopes that the NFL would let the Buccaneers play half the season in Afghanistan.
“Some of the cities we have taken over don’t like that we, the Taliban, are coming in, shooting people and taking prisoners,” said Akhunzada when asked what his plans were for the country. “We want to take our movement globally, and this Tampa embassy will give us a way to connect with more Americans.”
Akhunzada recently attempted to visit Tampa to inspect the site of the new embassy. However, he was informed that he was on a terrorist watch list and was not allowed to fly.
“We would have been waiting for him as soon as he got to TPA,” said U.S. Military General Wiggins Kamando. “He’s not allowed in this country.”
General Kamando showed me the gun he would have used to kill the Taliban leader.
“This puppy has a lot of firepower,” said the general while twirling it in the air with the safety off.
“Can I hold it?” I asked him, but he got mad and muttered something before walking away.
Tampa leaders have informed me that they have seen no plans for a Taliban embassy in Downtown Tampa and they want me to stop calling them about it.
“If Montreal can get the Rays for half a season, I don’t see why Kabul can’t get the Buccaneers for half a season,” said Akhunzada.
Only time will tell when this embassy ever opens up. For now, the future site of the Taliban embassy will remain a Subway sandwich shop.