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Tampa’s Only Wheelchair Accessible Bathroom Opens in Channelside


Handicapped people around Tampa rejoiced today after the announcement that they will finally have a handicap-accessible bathroom in the Channelside area. 

“I can’t wait to take a shit,” said Speety Wheelman, a quadriplegic who has lived in Downtown Tampa for over ten years.  “Not many places in Tampa have a good place for people like me to shit.” 

Tampa has been ranked one of the best cities for pedestrians to just shit or piss on the street.  Public restrooms are hard to come by, and when a bathroom is available, it is damaged or in need of repair.  

A new initiative from the city hopes to make Tampa a place that is less filled with piss and shit on the streets.  

“We have focused a lot of money and attention on ensuring that tourist-friendly areas are covered with the least amount of piss and shit,” said Mayor Jane Castor. “With this new handicap-accessible bathroom, which is open to all genders, we hope that this city will finally be seen as a piss and shit free place.”

To enter the bathroom, users must provide a sample of what they are about to do in the bathroom.

“This is the latest tech in genderless bathrooms,” said Castor while giving me a tour of the bathroom. “After applying a sample of what you’re about to do to the toilet on the door, an algorithm triggers a mechanical reaction in the toilet that enhances the experience based on the gender you were assigned at birth.”

The $800,000 pilot program has provided the city with two single-use advanced AI-powered toilet stalls. 

“This six-month experiment will hopefully let us see less handicap people with shit in their pants,” said Mayor Castor before excusing herself to use the toilet.

The advanced AI technology is meant to discourage drug users who would have to supply a sample of the drug they are about to use before entering.

“You can do cocaine or roll weed in there but no meth, crack, or heroin,” said Wheelman after exiting the stall. 

The bathroom stall is open six days a week from 8 AM to 9 PM.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos