Posts by Josh Santos
Sunoco Gas Station Deli First Restaurant in Tampa to Earn Michelin Star
Thanks to a multimillion-dollar deal between the state tourism marketing agency Visit Florida, and The Michelin Group, restaurants in Tampa can now qualify to receive one of the world’s most coveted prizes. Founded in France by a bunch of dudes who were really picky about cheese, Michelin stars have become the best way for restaurants…
Read MoreThe movie LIGHTYEAR should have been a live-action movie starring Chris Evans
Thanks to the abomination of a film that is the movie Lightyear we are are going to get an animated film about the “real life” Sherriff that inspired the toy of Woody. And it’s going to be great and all the dramatic, probably voiced by like Paul Rudd or something. Woody catches a bad guy…
Read MoreSt Pete Mayoral Election Coming to a Disturbing End
The city of St. Petersburg will finally receive closure in what has been described as one of the most violent and disgusting mayoral races in the history of local politics. Mayoral candidates Ken Welch and Robert Blackmon have committed to staying awake until the final vote has been counted and a winner has been announced.…
Read MoreManatee Carcass Buffet Opening in Clearwater Beach
In an attempt to capitalize on the influx of starvation-related manatee deaths, the host of “The Daily Show with Trevor Noah” has decided to invest in a Clearwater Beach restaurant that specializes in cooking manatee meat. “We take every manatee death very seriously here at Trevor Noah’s Manatee Carcass Buffet,” said head chef Bobby Suflex.…
Read MorePublix to begin carpetbagging groceries
A new bagging policy at Publix is causing some concerns with customers who are not sure what “carpetbagging” means. “From what I’ve gathered in my quick Google search, it’s some political term,” said Publix bagger Jeni Richards. “They didn’t really train us on it, so I brought this strip of carpet from my house and…
Read MoreRick Scott Accused of Hoarding Aborted Fetuses
As the Florida legislature readies its Texas-style abortion law, Senator Rick Scott has announced plans to purchase an abortion clinic just to close it. “We are going to shut this abortion clinic down,” said Senator Scott while licking his lips aggressively. “This isn’t about my body, my choice. This is about killing delicious…I mean precious…
Read MoreTampa Sex Workers to Require Proof of Vaccination for Services
Citing the high number of new coronavirus cases, local sex workers in Tampa have begun asking clients for proof of vaccination before exchanging money for sex. “We have a strong union in this city,” said Tampa Sex Workers Union President, Miguelita Chochita. “Since the beginning of this pandemic, us sex workers have been taking every…
Read MoreFlorida Public School Teachers to Be Replaced with Out-Of-State Police Officers
During a press conference today, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced his plans to ensure every public-school student complies with his mask orders. “Kids in Florida are going to be learning their ABCs as soon as these liberals stop taking this airborne virus seriously,” said DeSantis to a very confused press room. “How can a…
Read MoreNew Florida Abortion Law to Include Exemptions for Wealthy Residents
Following in the footsteps of the Texas law banning abortions after the detection of a fetal “heartbeat”, Florida lawmakers today unveiled similar legislation that restricts access to abortions after 6-weeks unless the abortion recipient comes from a wealthy family. “This law will protect unborn children who require a chance at life!” Screamed Janet Blandy, a…
Read More8-Week Bathroom Attendant Program Now Enrolling at USF
For those seeking a career change, USF has announced a series of 8-week certificates for employees looking to get started in a new field. “This is our first test program, and we look forward to staffing many of the current vacant bathroom attendant positions in Tampa,” said USF Bathroom Attendant Program Director, Stanki Pharts. “Before…
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