Health
Pinellas County authorizes ‘hipster’ beards in lieu of masks
Sick and tired of people complaining about why they can’t and/or shouldn’t have to wear face coverings to prevent the spread of COVID-19, health officials in Pinellas County have offered an alternative. “You don’t want to wear a mask? Fine. You don’t have to”, says lead health official Dr. Goonay Guego. “As long you have…
Read MoreSuicide counselor doesn’t feel like returning calls on Fridays
Jason Schnurk, a licensed therapist who works with the Crisis Center of Tampa Bay as a counselor to people contemplating suicide, has decided he’s not going to return calls on Friday afternoons. “You know what? It’s FriYAY, it’s TGIF, I’m ready to get out of here and go to Applebee’s for Happy Hour and Riblets,…
Read MoreHillsborough sets up Covid-19 infection stations to round out curve
Hillsborough County will be the first district in Tampa to erect “infection stations,” tents where volunteers will help healthy citizens become infected with the Coronavirus in an attempt to beat the illness through unified populous infection. “You remember when you were a kid and your parents would have you spend the night with the kid…
Read MorePinellas man claims, “mask made me gay”
Resident of Pinellas County, Roy Jackson, is claiming that his Covid mask turned him into a homosexual after trying to justify his rationalization through, “amateur science.” “I’m an amateur scientist” Jackson said. “See, humans release pheromones and when your forced to breathe in your own pheromones all day you start to live the thing you…
Read MoreAlt right website calling masks “covid condoms” is trending
RightWingerSlingers.com a self-deemed alt-right website has gotten the phrase “Covid condoms” to trend globally after constantly referring to medical masks with the phrase. Over 5 billion posts on social media platforms have been posted using the term “Covid condoms” and the CDC does not like it. “It’s extremely counterproductive and is sending the wrong message…
Read MoreCDC urges lawmakers to pass mandate requiring masks during sleep
A new bill has been presented in congress which would require citizens to wear a mask while unconscious, including all sleep-related activities. The law would prevent any legal form of sleep without a mask on, even on vacations or in different countries. “If you are a U.S. citizen you will have to wear a mask…
Read MoreRefrigerated trailers totally not for storing victims succumbing to COVID-19
Tampa Bay Area residents should not be concerned at all about the six refrigerated containers recently staged at the Hillsborough County Medical Examiners Office on North 46th Street. “I know that with what’s going on with the pandemic that the sudden presence of giant refrigerators, suitable for the temporary storage of a number of dead…
Read MoreTampa Man Tapes a Piece of Ham to his Face and Calls it a Mask
Board’s Head has an entirely new niche market. Noah Brunsworth, a resident of of North Tampa, kicked off the latest COVID trend of wearing deli meat as a protective face covering. “I just go to the Publix meat counter and ask for a pound of sliced ham. I either cut two little holes in each…
Read MoreCarrollwood man just really wants to eat dog food
Brandon Salazar of Carrollwood has wanted his not-quite-secret desire to eat dog food to be socially acceptable for a long time and believes that increasingly desperate attempts to deal with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic might finally make that possible. “Hear me out; dogs can’t get The ‘Rona, right? And what do dogs eat? Dog food,”…
Read MoreCovid 19 antibodies causing men to smell like strip club
As people around the country continue fighting the virus, many have developed antibodies which help protect them against the illness, however, as more men have attained the immuno-defense, the antibodies are coming with a strange side effect, releasing pheromones which resemble the interior of a gentlemen’s lounge. “My husband was coming home later and later…
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