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Pinellas County authorizes ‘hipster’ beards in lieu of masks

Sick and tired of people complaining about why they can’t and/or shouldn’t have to wear face coverings to prevent the spread of COVID-19, health officials in Pinellas County have offered an alternative. “You don’t want to wear a mask? Fine. You don’t have to”, says lead health official Dr. Goonay Guego. “As long you have…

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Suicide counselor doesn’t feel like returning calls on Fridays

Jason Schnurk, a licensed therapist who works with the Crisis Center of Tampa Bay as a counselor to people contemplating suicide, has decided he’s not going to return calls on Friday afternoons.  “You know what? It’s FriYAY, it’s TGIF, I’m ready to get out of here and go to Applebee’s for Happy Hour and Riblets,…

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Hillsborough sets up Covid-19 infection stations to round out curve

Hillsborough County will be the first district in Tampa to erect “infection stations,” tents where volunteers will help healthy citizens become infected with the Coronavirus in an attempt to beat the illness through unified populous infection. “You remember when you were a kid and your parents would have you spend the night with the kid…

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Pinellas man claims, “mask made me gay”

Resident of Pinellas County, Roy Jackson, is claiming that his Covid mask turned him into a homosexual after trying to justify his rationalization through, “amateur science.” “I’m an amateur scientist” Jackson said. “See, humans release pheromones and when your forced to breathe in your own pheromones all day you start to live the thing you…

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Alt right website calling masks “covid condoms” is trending

RightWingerSlingers.com a self-deemed alt-right website has gotten the phrase “Covid condoms” to trend globally after constantly referring to medical masks with the phrase. Over 5 billion posts on social media platforms have been posted using the term “Covid condoms” and the CDC does not like it. “It’s extremely counterproductive and is sending the wrong message…

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Carrollwood man just really wants to eat dog food

Brandon Salazar of Carrollwood has wanted his not-quite-secret desire to eat dog food to be socially acceptable for a long time and believes that increasingly desperate attempts to deal with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic might finally make that possible. “Hear me out; dogs can’t get The ‘Rona, right? And what do dogs eat? Dog food,”…

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