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DeSantis Announces Ban on Anything That Helps the Environment

As Florida counties work to improve their growing communities, the state legislature has announced a ban on any law that aims to help the environment in any way.

“First they tried to replace all of our straws with crappy paper straws, and we put a stop to that,” said Ron DeSantis during a press conference in the middle of the Pinellas Trail. “Then this very county wanted to get rid of plastic bags because they keep ending up in the water, well guess what, we made sure more bags ended up in the water and that is just the beginning.”

A group of bikers then began making their way towards the press conference that was blocking the entire trail.

“We have woke leftists infiltrating our county governments, trying to pass laws that hurt businesses and then they blame us for ruining communities,” said DeSantis. “The only ones that are ruining communities in Florida are the trans gay folks, black people who want to learn about their history, and illegal Hispanics.”

After hearing that restaurants are collecting oyster shells as part of a program to rebuild shorelines, DeSantis called upon the Florida legislature to put an end to it.

Restaurants will now be fined for storing half-eaten food.

“It’s a sad day when businesses think they can come to Florida and start recycling programs.” DeSantis pulled out a bag of oysters from his jacket pocket and began eating them whole with the shell and all. 

After some loud crunching and chewing, he spit the shells on the ground and a couple of passing bikers ran over the shells, causing their bike tires to burst.

A large bike accident then occurred, and several people were injured. 

Restaurants around the Tampa Bay area are being warned to stop any recycling efforts or they will face hefty fines.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos

1 Comment

  1. Avatar SportsChump on November 2, 2023 at 11:09 pm

    Nicely done, Josho.

    I also hear he has “Global Warming’s a Myth” tattooed on his asshole.