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Man terrified to wear mask at DeSantis press conference

DeSantis Threat

At a press conference earlier today in Nassau County where Florida Governor Ron DeSantis spoke about his ongoing plans for infrastructure improvements around the state, one man in attendance felt unsafe wearing a face mask. “I wanted to put it on, just to be careful because it was fairly crowded in there. I figured, ‘what’s…

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Ron DeSantis eats poop

Poop eater

According to a Tallahassee neighbor of the Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis is on a poop-eating rampage. The source requests to remain anonymous but provided an alias; Timmy Bananas says, “I looked over my fence one day while I was tending to my orange tree, only to see Ron on all fours with his head in…

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Ron DeSantis can’t find a therapist

Ron and the empty chair

Florida Governor and adult toddler, Ron DeSantis, feels as hopeless as ever. His longtime pal, Rush Limbaugh, died of cancer. DeSantis ordered Florida’s flags to be lowered in honor of the conservative radio host. However, Florida Agriculture Commissioner Nikki Fried, St. Petersburg Mayor Rick Kriseman and the Palm Beach County Commission all ignored his order.…

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Everything officially better today than it was yesterday

New Year, same ol' Ron

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has declared that every problem that people dealt with in 2020 is a thing of the past and no longer a factor on any level. “2020 is over. That’s an indisputable fact”, he said over a mimosa at a media breakfast at the First Watch on Henderson Boulevard in South Tampa…

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Ron DeSantis sends get well wishes to Rick Scott

Get Well Rick

Following the announcement that Senator Rick Scott has tested positive for having Covid-19, Florida Governor has sent his predecessor a hand-written get well card. “It’s no secret that Rick and I have had our differences,” said DeSantis. “But President Trump is always reminding me that he’s a colleague and a good fellow Republican, so I…

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Tampa police foil attempt to kidnap Governor DeSantis

Dugan & DeSantis

Three Tampa men have been arrested and charged with conspiring to kidnap Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, Tampa Police Chief Brian Dugan announced earlier this morning. The men, identified as Liam ‘Shitty’ Neall, Kyle ‘White Pookie’ Saunders and David ‘Mo’ Lester, were caught in the act of planning to kidnap the governor and bring him to…

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