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Tampa to add Human Growth Hormone to water supply to promote citywide gains

Tampa Wastewater Treatment Center – Hillsborough County – Sunday 2.17.2019

Bob Buckhorn has announced today that the City of Tampa will begin the addition of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) to its public reservoir.

“I believe this is a necessary step in order for us to transform our citizens from scrawny-ass pencil necks, into the muscle-bound murder machines necessary to defeat the looming Apocalypse,” said Buckhorn while standing on top of a tank in the middle of Downtown Tampa’s Lykes Gaslight Park.

“The Bay Area is under constant attack by pirates, red tide, and Ybor chickens, and I, for one, am tired of being pushed around! This is about survival people! Adding HGH for muscle growth is as natural as adding Fluoride, Iodine, and Arseni-…scratch that last one,” Buckhorn yelled into a traffic cone before tossing it into the crowd and smacking the top of the tank in a “let’s ride” motion while he pretended to shoot things with the unloaded machine gun turret.

The idea was originally pitched to the Tampa City Council by local fitness enthusiast, personal trainer, and ex volunteer militia, Ben Crush aka “Jacked Lalanne.”

“Listen bro, if you ain’t gainin’, you’re just complainin’. If those Commie Pirates want our Mayor and the Key to the City, they’ll have to get through us first!” says Crush, clutching a butterfly knife.

Some dissenting arguments have been raised including “swole” fish bursting water mains, possible toddler lifting competitions, and the eradication of sleeves. However, most of these claims have fallen upon deaf ears due to the City Council members wearing Apple AirPods under their workout beanies.

Tampa citizens should see the HGH charged to their water and waste management bills under ‘New Year- New City Tax’, which includes towel service and spa access with weekly guest passes to Crunch Fitness.

Matty P. Bill$

About Matty P. Bill$

A captive meteorologist at the Tampa News Force Headquarters, if you see him outside let us know!