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School resource officer shoots kid reading gay book

Gay Book

A second grader is in critical condition today after being shot by his school resource officer while reading Lesléa Newman’s 1989 classic picture book ‘Heather Has Two Mommies’. “I was patrolling the library and saw the gay book,” said officer Frank Johnnie. “At first I was just trying to shoot the book, but the kid…

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Sarasota author has book on how to ban books banned

Banned

Reverend Rufus Queefleton of Sarasota is dismayed to learn that the book he recently published to help people learn how to ban books has been banned in libraries and public schools in Florida. “This is outrageous!” he said. “It’s a book on how to ban books. The title is “How To Ban Books”. How are…

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Desperate Florida schools turn to student teachers

Teacher

Florida schools are facing a major staffing crisis, with over a thousand unfilled positions in Hillsborough County alone, where the school year began yesterday. As a result, they are turning to the school’s students themselves as a last resort. “We tried to recruit unqualified military veterans. That didn’t work. We’ve tried everything, every possible option,”…

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Manufacturer recalls faulty emergency call boxes

Call Box

Emergico Systems Inc., a Tampa-based company that manufactures emergency response equipment has announced that they are recalling their new line of TeleTek6000® emergency call boxes following a recent failed beta-testing trial of the units at a school in a small town somewhere in Texas. “The way they were supposed to work is, in the event…

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Florida Education Commissioner Revealed to be a Sentient Bag of Dicks

Bag O Dicks

During a recent press conference, Florida’s Education Commissioner had a wardrobe malfunction and accidentally revealed that the man we all knew as Richard Corcoran was secretly a literal bag of dicks that had gained sentience and became a politician. “Look, I know my real appearance might surprise people,” said the sentient bag of dicks. Reporters…

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Hillsborough County Schools to Enforce Mandatory STD Testing

HCPS Administrative Building – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 4.30.2019 As part of a new initiative to combat STDs in schools, students in Hillsborough County will now be forced to prove that they are free of STDs before they can start their upcoming semester. “Even if they have minor STDs, we’ll still let them learn online…

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