Posts Tagged ‘tampa news’
Future news: Lightning win 65th consecutive Stanley Cup
A man claiming to be from the future is claiming that the Lightning win 65 straight Stanley Cups in the coming years. Jedidiah Bunchkin, a professional time traveler, showed up to the Tampa News Force offices and said that the Lightning would win 65 championships in the future, and I told him that we lost…
Read MoreTampa Bay Lightning changes their name to Tampa Bay Pikachus
In a shocking first this week, the now former Tampa Bay Lightning have become the first major US sports team to change their mascot to a Pokémon. With abstract and fantasy based mascots like the Dragons, the Heat, and Jazz, this natural progression in branding seems almost inevitable. “As long as it still relates to…
Read MoreSupreme Court Justice Kavanaugh stops cleaning out fleshlight
Through the Freedom of Information act, a schedule of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanugh’s recent visits to the urologist have been released. The nature of the visits are protected by HIPAA but through an exclusive interview with an employee of the office who wished to remain anonymous, it seems the early draft of the now…
Read MoreGasworx to be powered by farts
The new Ybor City development consisting of apartments, dog tracks, and laser tag venues will be fueled strictly by human farts. “Yup, drop your pants and rip into this tube.” Said Randy a guy who told us he worked for the new multi-trillion dollar real estate deal. He walked us through a bunch of broken…
Read More5 reasons not to kill yourself
You might upset at least 1 person Odds are, at the very least, 1 person cares about you a little bit. Even if you don’t have any friends or family, you’re probably important to someone, and if not important, maybe you bring the tiniest bit of joy to their life. If you are completely certain…
Read MorePlato’s Closet announces “coming out” specials
The thrift clothing franchise Plato’s Closet has announced that all stores will now begin offering special discounts if you’re willing to announce to the world that you’re homosexual at one of their stores as part of an online promotion. If you stand in front of the counter, and announce on their local branch’s FaceBook Live…
Read MoreTampa weather changes
In a global move, the planet is now on a different part of it’s galactic axis, causing the weather to change in Tampa. It’s no longer how it was the other day. It’s different now. So times it gets colder than it normally does. Not quite as hot. But still hot. Pretty hot. Kind of…
Read MoreCoronavirus challenge explodes on Tik Tok
“Groups of children will circle around one of their friends and all begin coughing on them at the same time until they wake up, then they pour a bowl of bat soup onto their head and chant the lyrics of that old Busta Rhymes song, but instead of ‘Woohaa,’ they shout, ‘Wuhan!’”
Read MoreMartin Luther WingHouse opens for black history month
A WingHouse in Clearwater has changed it’s sign to read “Martin Luther WingHouse” in commemoration of black history month. Through the month of February the location will offer special items on it’s menu to honor Dr. King such as the, “I have a dream” chicken basket which will include a mixture of white and black…
Read MorePete Buttigieg enters Florida’s Ugliest Man Pageant thinking it’s the primary
While it can be considered common for voters to not know much about the details of each primary or caucus, everyone at least expects the politicians to know what they’re doing. This is not so for South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg who recently was entered into the Florida’s Ugliest Man Pageant, thinking he was signing up for Florida’s pivotal primary.
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