Science
New Science Proves All Lives Don’t Matter
A millennium-long study on the value of human life out of the University of Go Hurt Yourself has released its findings, and the conclusive evidence has proven that all lives, do not in fact, matter. By measuring one’s social and financial contributions, cross-referenced with humanitarian interaction and the generality of positive and negative in the…
Read MoreTampa Man First in Nation to Successfully Impregnate a Computer
A University of South Florida PhD candidate is being celebrated across the nation today after it was announced that after many months of trying, his gaming PC is pregnant, and they are expecting a child. “I’ve been having nonstop unprotected sex with my computer instead of studying for my PhD,” said Kenny Sagan, a 22-year-old…
Read MoreScientists ignoring astronomer’s discovery
“It’s an asteroid, roughly the size of Africa”, he says. “The trajectory is still undetermined but it is an imminent threat to earth.”
Read MoreScientist son of prominent Tampa lawyers perfects cloning technique; Promises law office on every corner
Jeffrey is the lesser-known son of John and Ultima Morgan. Unlike his siblings who went to law school and joined the family business, Jeffrey went to medical school and has been studying cloning for years.
Read MoreUSF study proves Jack shit
After studying the effects of Jack on his toilet, USF researchers were able to discover that he shit. “Yeah I think Jack shit,” said local scientist Molly Boingboing. “In fact, we can confirm Jack shit because I saw it. I saw Jack shit.” When asked what the groundbreaking multimillion dollar study means for all scientific…
Read MoreTPA develops new Chemtrail Formula
In an effort to control mosquito and lovebug populations, Tampa International Airport (TPA) has announced they have developed a new chemtrail formula that they hope will combat and eradicate the bugs once and for all. “Dozens of planes fly in and out of here every day,” said TPA spokesperson Wally Wingnut. “Our old chemtrail formula…
Read MoreOldsmar Disappears in Sinkhole
After some light showers brought intense flooding to the streets of Oldsmar, a giant sinkhole opened up and swallowed the entire town. “I was out there recently because I have to cut through Oldsmar to get to Walmart,” said Wallris Bellymew, a Town and Country resident. “I thought the roads here were well taken care…
Read MoreTampa Depletes Ozone Layer
Palma Ceia – Hillsborough County – Thursday, 6.13.19 In an alarming discovery out of the Hillsborough Observatory, it appears the ozone layer over Tampa Bay has been completely depleted. The hole in the ozone has been letting in extreme UV rays along with radiation and reduced gravity. Despite its severity, people are focusing on the…
Read MoreUSF Study Concludes Conservative White Males Are Better Lovers, Decision Makers
USF Human Research Center – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 6.11.19 A new study conducted by University of South Florida’s award winning sociology department has discovered that conservative white males between the ages 28 to 68, ranked as the best sex partners. “We asked 8,000 women of all ages and ethnicities about their vaginas,” said Sociology…
Read MoreTampa Scientist Discovers Potato
Tampa Science Center – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 6.4.19 Around 9pm last Friday night at the Tampa Science Center, local bioengineer technician Will Thrust discovered a potato. “I found a potato,” said Thrust. “He did,” said his lab partner, fellow chemical radiographer, Jet Presley. “We were walking out back, when Will tripped over something.” “Yea,”…
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