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Tampa man helping to develop new identification system

Bradley Beardsley, a software engineer in Tampa, is aiding the FBI and other law enforcement agencies in creating a new means of identifying people. “Everyone is familiar with facial recognition software but that technology has been largely negated by the wearing of face coverings in the age of COVID”, he said. “Even places like banks…

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Mentally challenged man lifts train

Man lifts train

“I used my retard strength.” Said Reggie Tardo, a Ruskin man who wandered onto Tesla’s hyper loop track and lifted a train. “Retard is a word I made by combining my names Reggie and Tardo, have you ever heard that before?” Tardo asked me. “No.” I said, lying. The official police report states that Reggie…

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Research determines Ybor’s 7th Avenue comprised mostly of bodily fluids

An exhaustive study by research scientists and grad students from the University of South Florida has determined that 7th Avenue (La Septima), Ybor City’s main thoroughfare, is made up mostly of bodily fluids. “To be clear, we’re talking about the physical make-up of the street itself”, says Margot Hydrocloset, lead USF researcher from her team’s…

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Birds begin evolving back into dinosaurs

“The only reason we’re not still running this place is because of that comet that struck the planet and devastated the population and now we’re much smaller and less intimidating. In your case, everything is messed up as a direct result of your own thoughtless and selfish actions.”

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Carrollwood man just really wants to eat dog food

Brandon Salazar of Carrollwood has wanted his not-quite-secret desire to eat dog food to be socially acceptable for a long time and believes that increasingly desperate attempts to deal with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic might finally make that possible. “Hear me out; dogs can’t get The ‘Rona, right? And what do dogs eat? Dog food,”…

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New Science Proves All Lives Don’t Matter

A millennium-long study on the value of human life out of the University of Go Hurt Yourself has released its findings, and the conclusive evidence has proven that all lives, do not in fact, matter. By measuring one’s social and financial contributions, cross-referenced with humanitarian interaction and the generality of positive and negative in the…

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Tampa Man First in Nation to Successfully Impregnate a Computer

Tampa Man Impregnates Computer

A University of South Florida PhD candidate is being celebrated across the nation today after it was announced that after many months of trying, his gaming PC is pregnant, and they are expecting a child. “I’ve been having nonstop unprotected sex with my computer instead of studying for my PhD,” said Kenny Sagan, a 22-year-old…

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USF study proves Jack shit

Scientist at USF discover Jack shit

After studying the effects of Jack on his toilet, USF researchers were able to discover that he shit. “Yeah I think Jack shit,” said local scientist Molly Boingboing. “In fact, we can confirm Jack shit because I saw it. I saw Jack shit.” When asked what the groundbreaking multimillion dollar study means for all scientific…

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