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I-4 officially reclassified as an obscenity

I-4

I-4, the heavily travelled interstate highway that spans just over 132 miles connecting Tampa, Orlando and Daytona Beach, has been declared by the State of Florida to be an obscenity, a class four expression of profanity. Recognizing that the highway, which has always been heavily congested in certain areas on certain days of the week,…

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Bus stop amenities in Tampa being upgraded

Bus Stop

Following the re-installation of seats at various Hillsborough Area Regional Transit (HART) bus stops along the service’s Metro Rapid route that were removed at the request of the Tampa Police Department (TPD), there are additional amenities being added. “We felt bad about taking away the only way for people to be comfortable waiting for the…

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Downtown Tampa traffic lights to be timed at 15-minute intervals

Downtown Tampa

The City of Tampa has announced that the traffic signals at all intersections downtown will now be timed to last for 15 minutes, effective immediately. “It’s being done to reduce stress,” said Andy Blibfwitch, the city’s Director of Vehicular Traffic Patterns. “People get so worked up waiting for lights to change when they’re in a…

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Highway sign mocks motorists

A digital information sign posted just south of Exit 46B (Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.) on I-275 North in Tampa is making fun of drivers. The sign reads, “FOWLER AVE. 5 MILES 7-9 MINUTES”, indicating that it should take less than 10 minutes to traverse that stretch, which is a practical impossibility except when traveling…

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Straight guy refuses to ride gay bus to Gayville

Gay Pride Bus

St. Petersburg’s Gary Glanderson disrupted a Pinellas Suncoast Transit Authority (PSTA) route briefly Tuesday afternoon when he refused to board a bus decorated in observance of the recently completed St. Pete Pridefest 2021. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is this?”, Glanderson exclaimed when the rainbow-wrapped Route 9 bus pulled up to the stop at…

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Lazy river replaces I-4

A 132-mile-long lazy river which was dug directly next to interstate 4 highway, spanning across all of Florida, has finally opened to the public. The man-made peaceful river is now accessible to anyone with an inner tube and was built in hopes of relieving some of the daily traffic on I-4. “We figured, people are…

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World record for traveling to Tampa via I-4 set reluctantly

A man traveling from Daytona Beach to Tampa via the I-4 interstate has set the Guinness World Record for fastest time, in spite of not even wanting to go. “I just don’t like Tampa,” said Dr. Sven Lolowitz, originally from Chicago and NOT Tampa. “Sometimes I have to go there for business, though. It sucks.…

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New downtown Tampa public transportation option proposed

Downtowner

Ever since The Downtowner ceased operation in downtown Tampa on April 30, visitors and residents have been without an inexpensive rideshare option for short trips. “Until now, bitches!!”, said Maximus Uberlyfter, owner and CEO of XXTreme Rydez, before screaming, “Gi gi gi gi gi gi gi gi! Gow! Gow! Gow!”, like Steven Tyler in ‘Dude…

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Tampa Celebrates Lower Sales Tax by Sitting in Traffic Longer

Commissioner Stacy White

Thanks to a recent decision by the Florida Supreme Court, Tampa residents can finally stop paying the disastrously large sales tax referendum that raised half a billion dollars to improve traffic in Hillsborough County. “While the money had been collected, we felt it was better for us to sue the 57% of voters that approved…

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Nose Picking Drivers in danger under new law

Nose Picking Drivers Will Be Facing A New Set of Challenges

You might want to think twice next time you’re driving and feel the urge to go mining for green gold, a new law goes into effect June 1st that could “stick” you with a hefty fine or you even find yourself behind bars if you’re caught. A stern message was sent yesterday by the Hillsborough…

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