Breaking News
Giant rat that looks like Tucker Carlson born at Busch Gardens
Officials at Busch Gardens in Tampa have announced that a giant rat that looks like Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson was born recently at the theme park/zoological attraction’s nursery. “We noticed there was something seriously wrong with the hideous mutation almost immediately, but it was made apparent when the creature’s own mother rejected it,” said…
Read MoreArcheologists unearth first Tampa News Force article
On the eve of Tampa News Force (TNF) publishing their 2000th article, archaeologists from the University of South Florida (USF) announced an incredible discovery, the very first article published by TNF over 700 years ago. Long thought to have been lost or destroyed, the article was posted on April 1st, 1506 and is attributed to…
Read MoreTampa Bay lawyers eager to help Tom and Gisele
Local personal injury attorneys are ready and able to assist Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady and his soon-to-be ex-wife Gisele Bündchen as they begin preliminary steps to dissolve their marriage. “Now is the time to come to the aid of people who so desperately need it,” said John Morgan. “Of course I’m talking about…
Read MoreTampa News Force acquires this thing
Yesterday, at an online auction intended to liquidate the asset inventory of the recently closed Tampa Grand Prix family fun center, we bought the geodesic dome structure shown in the photo accompanying this article. Also this photo: “After we failed in our bid to purchase the old, used parade float from Tampa’s Bonney-Read Krewe, we…
Read MoreSting operation fails to catch giant African snails
An undercover sting operation designed to apprehend giant African snails who have recently invaded Pasco County has been called off due to a failure to catch any suspects Sheriff Chris Nocco announced yesterday. “They may be slow-moving but they’re slippery and slimy,” he said. “We baited them with the sexiest underage pornography we could find,…
Read MoreTampa Bay Area babies developing taste for human flesh
As the nationwide shortage of baby formula continues to be a crisis, babies in the Tampa Bay Area are taking things into their own hands and mouths. 8-month-old Joshua Butterpenny of Tampa recently said, “Goo goo ga ga. Gleep (fart),” which translates in Adult-with-fully-formed-brain English to “We’re hungry and if you’re not going to take…
Read MoreKyle Rittenhouse will enroll at Hillsborough Community College
Kenosha protester shooter and acquitted murder suspect Kyle Rittenhouse Tweeted last week that he’d be attending Blinn College after contradicting claims emerged over whether he would be attending Texas A&M University this year. However, a representative for Texas A&M told news outlets that Rittenhouse wasn’t enrolled for the coming fall and summer semesters. That was…
Read MoreLightning goal horn sounds prematurely again
At last night’s NHL Eastern Conference Final game between the Tampa Bay Lightning and New York Rangers, which the Lightning won 4-1 to even the best-of-seven series at two games apiece, the goal horn went off after a shot from Lightning defenseman Jan Ruuta went wide of the net at the 14:50 mark of the…
Read MoreRussian propaganda spotted in Tampa Heights
A billboard in Russian has appeared on Tampa Street in Tampa Heights, just south of the intersection with Emily Avenue, heightening fears that the Russians are planning to invade Tampa and may already have operatives embedded in the area. “It appears to be a recruiting poster,” said resident Claymatia Pierce. “It probably says something like,…
Read MoreDiscounted oil Shell bought from Russia headed to Tampa Circle K
The Shell Oil Corporation is reporting that the 100,000 metric tons of flagship Urals crude oil it purchased from Russia at a significant discount is being routed to a specific Circle K location in Tampa. According to Shell, the controversial transaction which has drawn worldwide scorn and criticism was supposed to at least partially benefit…
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