Local
Tampa couple sues own son for naming their grandson after MCU character
Greg Rogers of Tampa is being sued by his parents because he has named his newborn son Groot, after the hyper-intelligent, tree-like organism from Marvel Comics and the Guardians of the Galaxy and Avengers films from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). “Greg has wasted so much time and money on those stupid movies. There are…
Read MoreLakeland man unsure about visiting website
Clinton Dilson of Lakeland has found a website that intrigues him but he’s afraid to actually click the link. “It’s HotTotz.com and I’m not exactly sure what kind of content there is,” he said, his right index finger hovering over the left-click button on his mouse. “Could be food, specifically spicy tater tots, or it…
Read MoreRelatively unattractive person is missing or something, nobody cares
A woman from the Town and Country neighborhood of Tampa has not been seen for over a week and nobody really cares because by comparison to other women, she’s not very attractive. Sheriff Chad Chronister addressed local media about the situation yesterday. “The subject’s name is Marcy Garner. She’s 32-years-old, overweight with red hair, bad…
Read MoreTop Five Tricks and Treats in Tampa Bay
OooOOoooOOOooh! It’s Spooky Season here in Tampa Bay. That means it’s time to get ready for Halloween! Here to help you get started is a list of the Top Five Tricks and Treats in Tampa Bay! But wait… there are only five things listed. Are these the Tricks or the Treats? Well, I guess that…
Read MoreSeffner couple wins free tickets to space
Joe-Jack and Glucinda Porkrind of Seffner have won free tickets to travel to space via Virgin Galactic. “We prefer Plant City Heights, if you don’t mind”, said Joe-Jack. “Seffner ain’t too classy.” “We gone be asternots!”, said Glucinda. “We want to thank Mr. Bransing for this opportunity.” “Yeah, we’re big ass fans of his town…
Read MoreGulf of Mexico getting kinda sick of y’all dumping mass quantities of toxic-ass shit in it
The Gulf of Mexico, the ocean basin largely surrounded by the North American continent off the west coast of Florida and serving as the westernmost border of the Tampa Bay region, is losing patience with the seemingly-normalized practice of dumping poisonous waste products into it. “I mean, damn, you know?” said the marginal sea of…
Read MoreGeorge Zimmerman hired as Disney prince
Unconvicted murderer George Zimmerman of Seffner Florida, has gotten a job in the nearby town of Orlando at Disney World as a prince who will perform for, and greet, guests. “We wish we didn’t have to do this, but nobody wants to work!” Said the general manager of the Orlando Disney World. “Everybody just wants…
Read MoreTemple Terrace youth promotes demonstrably false theory about source of fudge production to younger sibling
Cayden Kizzler, a 7-year-old in Temple Terrace is the unfortunate victim of a malicious misinformation campaign by his 14-year-old brother Chet. Temple Terrace public health authorities were quick to respond, issuing the following statement: “Around the corner, aka your butthole, is NOT, in fact, where fudge is made. DO NOT under any condition eat ANY…
Read MoreBest things to see if you’re flying over Tampa at night
Sports lights Hey look, is that a Bucs game? No, the Bucs don’t play on Friday nights. That’s a baseball field! I wonder if that’s where the Rays play. Maybe they’re playing the Yankees. I wonder who’s winning! Oh wait, the Rays play indoors. And over in St. Pete. That’s probably just some high school…
Read MoreBest places to visit if you’re only in Tampa for one day
Sometimes when you visit a city, you don’t have time to take it all in. Fortunately for Tampa, we have a few essential spots that will make you feel like you’ve lived here your whole life. 5. The Original Hooters Location The place that started it all. The Original Hooters location offers everything you love…
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