Government
Postcoital man wins presidency
A man in Westchase who just finished having sex has been nominated the president of the United States after an overwhelming write-in effort from supporters. Ted Clazinsky, ran on a platform of clear minds and clear thoughts, unfettered by sexual desires, won the popular vote with %65 of voters choosing him. “Yea, I just had…
Read MoreRick Scott and Ted Cruz announce youth reading program
Following the contentious Supreme Court confirmation hearing for Ketanji Brown Jackson, in which several questions were raised about children’s literature for some reason, discarded Halloween decorations and US Senators Rick Scott (R-FL) and Ted Cruz (R-TX) have announced a new reading program for kids, “Read With Uncles Rick And Ted”. “We feel like we really…
Read More“Let’s go Brandon” becomes illegal to say in Florida
The political slogan “Let’s go Brandon” popularized by a news reporter who mistakenly identified a “f*** Joe Biden” chant as “let’s go Brandon”, has been made illegal by Florida legislation. “After the ‘don’t say gay’ bill was passed and we realized we could make words illegal, we decided to go after the phrase ‘let’s go…
Read MoreGovernor DeSantis accidentally says ‘gay’
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis mistakenly used the word ‘gay’ yesterday and is now terminally homosexual. He was attending a formal fundraising dinner event in Clearwater and was telling those assembled that they should pray before they began eating, but had heard an Elton John song on the radio on his way to the function, causing…
Read MoreSeffner man wants Biden to give him his hour back
Randy Spragg of Seffner woke up this morning to find that an hour of his day had been taken away and he wants the President of the United States to give it back. “Biden ruins everything! He’s the worst! He’s taking away our freedom, he’s taking away inexpensive gas, he’s taking away our great relationship…
Read MoreAll of Tampa is Now Spice World
During a press conference today, Mayor Jane Castor announced a new partnership with the 90s pop group Spice Girls to officially license the name Spice World. “This has been on my agenda since the first day I was sworn in as mayor,” Castor told reporters. “Tampa has a lot of people smoking spice, and it’s…
Read MoreDeSantis scolds West Tampa Little Leaguer for wearing cup
A visibly annoyed Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis admonished a catcher for the West Tampa All-Stars on Saturday for wearing a protective cup prior to a Little League game. DeSantis was in town to throw out the ceremonial first pitch prior to the game, when he noticed a bulge in the pants of 8-year-old Adam Tweedler who was…
Read MoreCity of Tampa appoints new Director of Leisure Services
The City of Tampa has appointed Theodore John Evans to head up the city’s newly created Leisure Services Department. “Tensions are elevated here in Tampa. Everyone is stressed out. We all need to relax,” said Mayor Jane Castor. “With that in mind, we’ve created a brand new agency to help us do exactly that. And…
Read MoreFlorida Loses Password to Emergency Rental Funds Account
The Florida government announced today that they have been locked out of the account holding over $700 million for the state’s rental assistance program. “I tried the password that was on the sticky note by the computer, but I guess I put it in wrong a couple times because it locked me out,” said Max…
Read MoreTrump stashes classified documents in Ybor tunnels
Former President Donald Trump has responded to reports that there has been communication between the National Archives and Records Records Administration (NARA) and the House Oversight Committee acknowledging that classified records were found in boxes at Mar-a-Lago after Trump left office. “Yeah? So what?” he said in a press conference yesterday. “It wasn’t, like, super-classified…
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