Search results for: rick scott
Rick Scott Accused of Hoarding Aborted Fetuses
As the Florida legislature readies its Texas-style abortion law, Senator Rick Scott has announced plans to purchase an abortion clinic just to close it. “We are going to shut this abortion clinic down,” said Senator Scott while licking his lips aggressively. “This isn’t about my body, my choice. This is about killing delicious…I mean precious…
Read MoreRick Scott to undertake unmanned space flight mission
In an effort to find out “just what the heck is going on up there”, Senator Rick Scott has announced that he will be launching himself into outer space. “Elon Musk is trying to get into space. So is Jeff Bezos. Why? What do they think is up there and how would it benefit them?…
Read MoreRick Scott presents himself with award
Last night in a ceremony in Tampa, US Senator and former Florida Governor Rick Scott presented an achievement award to himself. “I’ve been travelling around a lot, handing out various awards to deserving recipients, and it suddenly occurred to me the other day, you know who really deserves an award?”, he said. “Me.” A gathering…
Read MoreRick Scott finally sucks own d***
In a move that’s been anticipated for quite some time, Senator Rick Scott has finally felated himself, publicly in front of the press core during a health and safety meeting. “He stood up and said, ‘you guys are so worried about health and safety, I don’t need medical help, or anything from anyone for that…
Read MoreRick Scott observes National Donut Day
U.S. Senator and former Governor of Florida Rick Scott took time out from his busy daily agenda of pandering to his base by constantly Tweeting his disdain for President Joe Biden to pander to his base about his love for donuts on National Donut Day 2021 earlier today. As his loyal followers ignored the fact…
Read MoreRick Scott handing out more ‘awards’
Following last week’s spectacularly successful presentation of the National Republican Senatorial Committee’s inaugural “Champion for Freedom” award by Senator Rick Scott to former President Donald Trump, Scott is now handing out more new, fake, made-up achievement tokens in an effort to make people not be mad at him. “Okay, I resent your implications, you lousy…
Read MoreRick Scott announces plan to overhaul AMBER Alert program
“I’m the one who totally revamped Florida’s unemployment system; there’s no reason I can’t do it again in this case, with equally spectacular results”
Read MoreRick Scott will sign your “Delta Farce” DVD for $40
In an effort to stand up to the imaginary trend known as “cancel culture” that is currently panicking many conservatives, Rick Scott announced that he will be autographing DVD copies of the 2007 comedy “Delta Farce”, starring Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall and DJ Qualls. “Rick Scott here. Right now, I’m ping to try…
Read MoreRick Scott dismisses Tampa Bay pharmacy scammers as “amateurs”
Five Tampa Bay men have pled guilty in what federal prosecutors are calling the biggest healthcare fraud case in history. Court records show that Larry Everett Smith, Scott Roix, M.T., Maikel Bolos and Arun Kapoor submitted $931,356, 936 in bogus prescription bills to giant pharmacies including, CVS Caremark, Optum and others with help from telemarketing…
Read MoreNRSC Selects Rick Scott to Make US Senate More Racist
After Republicans lost the US Senate majority, the National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC) selected Florida Senator and Slender Man impersonator, Rick Scott, as their new Chairman. “As you may have heard, I have just now taken over as the Chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee,” said Scott in a video message he released on…
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