Posts Tagged ‘Clearwater’
Clearwater man never speaking to his grandpa again
Due to frustration he experiences while trying to communicate, Mike Dumbar of Clearwater has declared that he is never going to speak to his grandfather again. “I was trying to teach him about cryptocurrency and he just refuses to listen to me,” said Dumbar. “I told him that cryptocurrencies will eventually replace the dollar and…
Read MoreLargest mobilization of emergency services in Clearwater history responds to small fire
A fire at a medical marijuana dispensary in Clearwater last Thursday resulted in an unprecedented urgent response from local emergency service providers. “All units, all units. Be advised, there’s a fire at a weed store on 19. This is it, everybody! The big one! All y’all! This is the one we’ve all dreamed of. Everybody…
Read MoreSociety still reeling from unprecedented display of bad behavior that isn’t even that unusual
Two weeks after Will Smith slapped Chris Rock on live television at the Academy Awards, many people are still having difficulty processing what happened and the sudden monumental impact the incident will have on society, in spite of the fact that people have been behaving like ill-tempered savages for centuries. “Yeah, I still can’t believe…
Read MoreClearwater man advocates for Super Bowl becoming official holiday
Craig Shoomaker of Clearwater firmly believes that the Super Bowl, the annual championship of the National Football League, should be declared a federal holiday. “It just makes sense; it’s a day when we all come together and celebrate,” he said. “Isn’t that what holidays are for?” He gestured to the people gathered at the Super…
Read MoreTop 5 Tampa Bay Swingers Clubs
Everyone knows that Tampa Bay is an adult entertainment wonderland. From the many world infamous “gentlemen’s clubs” to the self-storage facilities used for shooting low-budget pornography to whatever the hell is going on in Drew Park (home of Thee Love Shack, Fantasylands I and II, various auto repair shops and daycare centers among other random…
Read MoreClearwater man keeps falling for moon prank
Dean Arrword of Clearwater is tired of being the victim of what he describes as a cruel prank. “Every time I see someone’s Facebook status that says, ‘OMG, go outside and look at the moon RIGHT NOW!’, I do it. I run right outside and look up,” he said. “And every time, it’s the same…
Read MoreClearwater man might be too ok with wife’s relationship with gay friend
“They’re constantly play-wrestling and stuff. I’d be nervous if Roberto weren’t gay! Sometimes he slaps her on the ass, tells her how much he likes her tits and calls her a bitch which is something gay guys do all the time, I guess. I could never do that!”
Read MoreRick Scott scheduled to perform at Clearwater Marine Aquarium
US Senator Rick Scott of Florida will be replacing Winter the Dolphin on a temporary basis at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium. “Winter was beloved by children everywhere, many of whom are visiting Florida for the holidays,” said Scott. “And since her unfortunate and untimely passing, probably at the hands of Joe Biden… although I have…
Read MoreBritney Spears just wanted to visit Winter the Dolphin
Finally freed from the constraints of a conservatorship that restricted her access to her finances and even basic life decisions, among the first things pop star Britney Spears had planned on doing was visiting Clearwater to visit Winter the Dolphin. “The ‘Dolphin Tale’ movies were among the few I was ever allowed to watch,” said…
Read MoreManatee Carcass Buffet Opening in Clearwater Beach
In an attempt to capitalize on the influx of starvation-related manatee deaths, the host of “The Daily Show with Trevor Noah” has decided to invest in a Clearwater Beach restaurant that specializes in cooking manatee meat. “We take every manatee death very seriously here at Trevor Noah’s Manatee Carcass Buffet,” said head chef Bobby Suflex.…
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