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Tampa News Force

Household killers

Top 5 Common Household Items THAT CAN KILL YOU

By Clark Brooks | September 24, 2022

The world is a violent and dangerous place. Your life is in danger anytime you venture out into it. Highly contagious diseases, mass shootings, crazy traffic. Most of us experience a huge sense of relief upon arriving home at the end of the day. But that’s a false sense of security; your home is a…

Breaking News

Emergency

Immediate action needed immediately!

What are you doing right now? Well, stop it! This an emergency! All hands on deck! This is not a drill!! Seriously, what are you…

Documents

DOJ had questions about Top Secret document transportation and storage

Part of the heavily-redacted affidavit pertaining to the recent search of former President Donald Trump’s home in Mar-a-Lago indicates that the Department of Justice (DOJ)…

OJ Kanye Pete

Pete Davidson Buys Tampa News Force

By Josh Santos | September 9, 2022

Pete Davidson of SNL fame has announced plans to purchase the majority ownership of THIS PUBLICATION! [Tampa News Force] “I’ve been trying to find new things to get my mind off of the crazy stuff happening to me right now,” said Davidson during a heavy weed smoking session with current TNF owner, OJ Simpson “I…

Sports

New Bucs Helmets

Bucs excited to try out new protective headgear

When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers kick off the 2022 season tonight in Dallas against the Cowboys, they’ll be sporting new helmets, designed by the Nintendo…

White People

ESPN officially makes White People Running Around In The Yard a sport

As baseball continues to drag through the longest, least eventful part of its season, TV networks are desperate for alternatives to the only major league…

Tom's Night Out

“Boys Night Out” for Brady saves Bucs season

By Clark Brooks | September 12, 2022

With what has seemed like uncharacteristically erratic behavior from Buccaneers starting quarterback and all-time NFL great Tom Brady recently, widely speculated to stem from conflict within his relationship with his wife Gisele Bündchen, the team decided to intervene and arranged for a “boys night out” to lift Brady’s spirits and re-focus him on the 2022…

Arts and Entertainment

Top Five Secret Cruise Ship Amenities

Between the sight-seeing, the food, the pampering, the entertainment, the activities and so much more, there’s a lot to love about taking a cruise. But…

Lavatory Lector

Ybor nightclub hires lavatory lector

“BUS”, a new night club recently opened in Ybor City is introducing a customer service feature they hope will help them stand out from their…

Island BoysNT

Where are they now: The Island Boys

By Clark Brooks | September 23, 2022

Here at Tampa News Force, we like to keep tabs on our favorite celebs in a feature we call, “Where are they now: (Insert name here)”. In this week’s edition, we’re checking in with those lovable scamps, The Island Boys! What are they doing? What have they been up to since the last time we…

Government

Migrants

The State of Florida Guide on how to get rid of unwanted migrants

(Reposted as a public service on behalf of the Florida State Government as interpreted by Governor Ron DeSantis who is totally not a tyrant.) Do…

Incest

“Don’t say incest” bill passes in Florida

The Family Togetherness Act, also known as the “don’t say incest” bill has passed in Florida congress with a vote of 4-3, making it illegal…

Ron D Dick

Ron DeSantis sucks d**k to prove he’s not gay

By John Jacobs | September 21, 2022

Governor Ron Desantis has made headlines again after publicly giving a blow job to a man during his last press conference to, “prove once and for all, that I’m not gay.” After relentless cyber-bullying, accusing the Governor of being gay, DeSantis decided to take matters into his own hands by bringing a male sex-worker to…

Local and Community

Trans person not that mad about being misgendered

Trishelle Albeta, a female who was born male, was accidentally misgendered at a 7-11 attached to a Chinese restaurant in Riverview, but was not offended.…

Grandpa

St. Pete man’s correct usage of current slang annoys granddaughter

16-year-old Megyn Morton of St. Petersburg finds herself in an almost constant state of aggravation because of her grandfather Henry “Hank” Morton’s accurate usage of…

Jeters

Effort underway to preserve historic Jeter House

By Clark Brooks | September 20, 2022

Upon news breaking that the new owner of the former Davis Island home of Derek Jeter has filed a commercial demolition permit with the intent of tearing it down, local activists have launched an initiative designed to preserve the property as is. “When you think about who has lived here, the cultural and historic significance…

Work

Clearwater woman threatens to give less than her usual 65% at work today

By Clark Brooks | September 5, 2022

Amber McCambister, a sales clerk at Robust Businessmakers Inc. in Clearwater has to work today, Labor Day, and is not happy about it. “This is bullshit”, she said. “Everybody in the world has the day off today, except for me and hospitality workers, emergency service providers, some medical professionals, people who work in agriculture and…

Top Five Secret Cruise Ship Amenities

By Clark Brooks | September 4, 2022

Between the sight-seeing, the food, the pampering, the entertainment, the activities and so much more, there’s a lot to love about taking a cruise. But did you know there are amenities you didn’t even know about? Obviously not, otherwise you would have known about them. That won’t be a problem for you anymore, though. Because…

Jukebox Yelp

Woman leaves devastating Yelp! review, based entirely on music played on jukebox

By Clark Brooks | September 3, 2022

Gwyneth Poltroon of St. Petersburg recently left an absolutely scathing review of a local restaurant on Yelp, the web site and app that publishes crowd-sourced reviews about businesses. Poltroon recently visited Shucksters, a popular seafood restaurant in Gulfport and was extremely displeased with the music being played on the TouchTunes jukebox. “If I could give…

Banned

Sarasota author has book on how to ban books banned

By Clark Brooks | September 2, 2022

Reverend Rufus Queefleton of Sarasota is dismayed to learn that the book he recently published to help people learn how to ban books has been banned in libraries and public schools in Florida. “This is outrageous!” he said. “It’s a book on how to ban books. The title is “How To Ban Books”. How are…

Duvet set

White couple in Tampa Heights loves their African-themed bedding

By Clark Brooks | September 1, 2022

Todd Ginfey and his live-in girlfriend Rachel Bloorb recently purchased the African American Pretty Girl Duvet Cover Set Queen Size, 3-Piece Bedding Set with Zipper Closure and Corner Ties from Amazon.com for their loft in Tampa Heights. “I gotta say, this ethnic blanket really helps me sleep better,” said Todd. “Because my conscience is clearer.”…

Emergency

Immediate action needed immediately!

By TNF | August 31, 2022

What are you doing right now? Well, stop it! This an emergency! All hands on deck! This is not a drill!! Seriously, what are you doing??? Eating lunch? Put that sandwich down! Filling out the monthly report? Save your work and resume later! Binge-watching some show? He/she gets killed! Don’t worry about it! This is…

Corn

Tampa man committed to knowing just one nutritional fact

By Clark Brooks | August 31, 2022

Randy Borgwartz of Tampa has lived almost his entire life knowing and believing exactly one fundamental truth about nutrition… “Corn is a grain, not a vegetable,” he said. “This is an inarguable fact.” Mrs. Maggie Crumsnot, a retired lunch lady from Gorrie Elementary School said, “Oh yeah, I remember that little shit. Starting in 3rd…

Schrodinger

Bucs release special edition jersey

By Clark Brooks | August 30, 2022

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have unveiled a new jersey for fans to wear during the upcoming 2022 season, which will kick off on Sunday, September 11, against the Cowboys in Dallas, Texas. “It’s a number 12 jersey and pays tribute to not only our own Tom Brady but also Nobel Prize-winning Austrian-Irish physicist Erwin Schrödinger!”…

New Park

New park opens in downtown Tampa

By Clark Brooks | August 29, 2022

Tampa’s latest downtown park has opened at the corner of Morgan Street and Channelside Drive, across the street from Amalie Arena. “Communication Park” occupies approximately two square yards of greenspace near the new Water Street development district and is dominated by a large round metal sculpture titled ‘COMMUNICATION’. “We think the art sends a powerful…

Marmaduke, Ba’al Marduk, and five easy ways to tell them apart!

By Chris Coon | August 28, 2022

Hello dear reader! I have the solution to a problem that no one has fixed yet: How can you tell (if you haven’t been listening that hard) whether someone is talking about the Babylonian god Ba’al Marduk or beloved dog cartoon Marmaduke? Fret not for the answer is here! 1. If the goddess Tiamat—god of…