Tampa News Force
Study suggests Tampa women are more prone to squirting
Scientists have discovered that the climate in the Tampa area contains a specific atmosphere which is especially conducive to the potential action of female ejaculation. In what’s being called an “overtly over-sexual and unnecessary” study by city officials, was somehow able to take place after a drunken contract signing dating back to 2007. Criminal records…
Breaking News
Governor’s Office Urges Citizens to Remain Calm as Gas Overage Persists
How are you dealing with all this excess gas lying around? ⛽️
DeSantis to Personally Investigate Latest Assassination Attempt on Trump
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will be conducting his own investigation regarding the attempted assassination of former President Trump at the Republican presidential nominee’s golf club…
Sports
Yankees Fan Invited to Spring Training
When the defending American League But Not World Champion New York Yankees report to Tampa for spring training in February, they’ll be joined by self-appointed…
NFL Officially Designates New Position
After years of contributions from lovable big guys, the National Football League (NFL) has designated Lovable Big Guy (LGB) an official position effective immediately. A template perfected by William “Refrigerator” Perry of the Chicago Bears in 1985 of oversized defensive linemen being used in certain offensive situations has been adapted by various teams over the…
Arts and Entertainment
Modern Day DaVinci Spends 16 Seconds On Portrait’s Smile
You have to admire the attention to detail! 🎨🖼️
Government
Florida Outlaws Ranting in Your Car Without Recording It and Putting It on the Internet
It’s about time the government got involved in this.
Local and Community
“We figured since we’re the ones who are keeping these people from doing their jobs, the absolute minimum, very least we can do for them is donate an amount of money that sounds like a lot because it ends in ‘illion’,”
Roy McMallard, an employee with International Product Distribution, Inc., in Tampa returned to work in the company’s offices for the first time since March of 2020 and was disgusted by the state of the breakroom’s refrigerator. “I’ve been working from home since COVID hit back in 2020 and that was pretty great, but there are…
A visibly annoyed Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis admonished a catcher for the West Tampa All-Stars on Saturday for wearing a protective cup prior to a Little League game. DeSantis was in town to throw out the ceremonial first pitch prior to the game, when he noticed a bulge in the pants of 8-year-old Adam Tweedler who was…
Aries Mercury is in retrograde for you this month. Not the planet. The Roman god of commerce, transit, messages, and the immortal guide to the afterlife. He will personally cause you to backslide deeper into your creepy fanfic addiction. But Mercury will also give you the gift of prophecy. You’ll think, “Oh gosh I bet…
“Baseball Is Fun”, said Rays outfielder Brett Phillips, “But this isn’t fun at all, yet it is very much baseball being baseball at its most baseballishness. I guess I should start selling t-shirts that say ‘Baseball Is A Paradox’. Like Schroedinger’s Cat.”
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis on Sunday attended a ribbon cutting ceremony to announce a new store in Tampa where people can buy and burn books. Burn-ee’s, which is based in Tennessee, has plans to open stores throughout the southeast. The one in Tampa is the first in Florida. “This is like the Shangri-La of book…
On a recent Saturday night, the executive and editorial board of Tampa News Force, Tampa Bay’s only media outlet dedicated to mocking people and places that deserve to be mocked, visited Fly Bar + Restaurant in Tampa to drink, dine and discuss important business like how great we are at mocking people and places, especially…
5-year-old Gyler McPhadden recently got to meet SPOT, the St. Petersburg Police Department’s new robotic dog. “That doggy isn’t very nice,” he said through tears. Gyler was minding his own business as his meth-addled father Gregor was holding he, his mother and his infant sister hostage in their home on St. Pete’s south side when…
Hello Tampa News Force Readership, what can we say? I think first we should say that we are sorry. Truly sorry. When we published our recent article: “Local Tampa Bay Open Micer Plans To Fly To Ukraine To Bomb Over There,” we did not realize the nature of the situation. Specifically we did not realize…
The City of Tampa has appointed Theodore John Evans to head up the city’s newly created Leisure Services Department. “Tensions are elevated here in Tampa. Everyone is stressed out. We all need to relax,” said Mayor Jane Castor. “With that in mind, we’ve created a brand new agency to help us do exactly that. And…