Tampa News Force
World Axe Throwing League cruelly gives false hope to Brandon man’s athletic dreams
After watching the World Axe Throwing League (WATL) on cable television, a long-dormant glimmer of hope for becoming a professional athlete someday has been awakened within Kevin Thwort of Brandon, a man for whom any realistic chances of that ever happening died many, many years ago, if they ever existed at all. “You know, when…
Top Headlines
Breaking News
Governor’s Office Urges Citizens to Remain Calm as Gas Overage Persists
How are you dealing with all this excess gas lying around? ⛽️
DeSantis to Personally Investigate Latest Assassination Attempt on Trump
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will be conducting his own investigation regarding the attempted assassination of former President Trump at the Republican presidential nominee’s golf club…
Sports
Yankees Fan Invited to Spring Training
When the defending American League But Not World Champion New York Yankees report to Tampa for spring training in February, they’ll be joined by self-appointed…
NFL Officially Designates New Position
After years of contributions from lovable big guys, the National Football League (NFL) has designated Lovable Big Guy (LGB) an official position effective immediately. A template perfected by William “Refrigerator” Perry of the Chicago Bears in 1985 of oversized defensive linemen being used in certain offensive situations has been adapted by various teams over the…
Arts and Entertainment
Modern Day DaVinci Spends 16 Seconds On Portrait’s Smile
You have to admire the attention to detail! 🎨🖼️
Government
Florida Outlaws Ranting in Your Car Without Recording It and Putting It on the Internet
It’s about time the government got involved in this.
Local and Community
A fish that lives in Garrison Channel behind Amalie Arena is very disappointed to learn that the Tampa Bay Lightning lost 2-1 to the Colorado Avalanche in Game 6 of the 2022 Stanley Cup Final Sunday night, ending their championship winning streak at two. “No b-b-b-b-b-b-b-boat parade?”, it asked in bubble language. “Golly. That’s sad.”…
Science has proven that Tampa News Force readers are 33% more attractive than the average person. So odds are you’re probably doing fine. But if you’re looking to be, undeniably, the most attractive person in any room you enter, follow these tips Demonstrate wealth Dress extravagantly everywhere you go. Long coat, multiple jewel-encrusted rings, peacock…
“Today life wins!” Said Senator Rick Scott in a speech to supporters. “Sweet precious, delicious life.” He added, followed by a direct message to women seeking abortions. “If you are thinking of having an illegal abortion, call me and I’ll show up to eat your fetus.” Senator Scott then provided his personal cell phone number.…
As hurricane season rears up again, it’s good to know if you’re ready for a hurricane or not. Here are 3 signs you may not be ready. 3. Your legs are exposed If you’re wearing shorts, or walking around in just underwear, you are not ready for a hurricane. Your legs will get wet and…
Through the Freedom of Information act, a schedule of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanugh’s recent visits to the urologist have been released. The nature of the visits are protected by HIPAA but through an exclusive interview with an employee of the office who wished to remain anonymous, it seems the early draft of the now…
America’s Got Talent judge, Simon Cowell, guest judged a Strawberry Festival pig race this year, leaving audiences thoroughly entertained. His appearance came as a surprise as it was not announced on the schedule, he just happened to be visiting the festival with his daughter and decided to lend his services to the pig race that…
A while back last year, First Lady Jill Biden (FLOTUS for short) and Dr. Anthony Fauci visited Tampa and we submitted a request for press credentials to see them. After what was obviously a thorough vetting by the Secret Service, the request was granted! Since then, FLOTUS’s office keeps in touch, specifically Asjia Garner: Communications…
A Tampa-based cryptocurrency is being hailed for its inventive new strategy that has crypto experts in disbelief. While most cryptocurrencies are backed by absolutely nothing, Tampa’s very own official cryptocurrency, Tampa Coin, has managed to tie its value algorithm with the probability of Tampa sports teams winning games. “When Tampa Coin was created, it was…
The Tampa Bay Lightning left for Denver yesterday, two days early in order to adjust to the higher altitude prior to Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Final against the Colorado Avalanche, a series in which the Lightning currently trail, two games to one. “We didn’t play very well out there in Games 1 and…
This is a list of the locations in Tampa, which have the cheapest gas. Your anus Your gastrointestinal tract produces a decent amount of gas, depending on what you’re eating. Beans makes more gas. “The more you eat, the more you toot.” Is a famous phrase popularized in a juvenile rhyme we learned as children.…