Tampa News Force
Governor Ron DeSantis Announces Plan To Open Them Cheeks
During a press conference today, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced his plan to slowly open them cheeks and get in that thing. “Some guy named Fatty on twitter made fun us and called us anon edge lords on Twitter,” said DeSantis speaking from the point of view of Tampa News Force. “It really hit close…
Top Headlines
Breaking News
Governor’s Office Urges Citizens to Remain Calm as Gas Overage Persists
How are you dealing with all this excess gas lying around? ⛽️
DeSantis to Personally Investigate Latest Assassination Attempt on Trump
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will be conducting his own investigation regarding the attempted assassination of former President Trump at the Republican presidential nominee’s golf club…
Sports
Yankees Fan Invited to Spring Training
When the defending American League But Not World Champion New York Yankees report to Tampa for spring training in February, they’ll be joined by self-appointed…
Cleaning Crews Still Removing Stink From Raymond James Stadium
Avoid the area for the next few days. ⚠️☣️☢️
Arts and Entertainment
Modern Day DaVinci Spends 16 Seconds On Portrait’s Smile
You have to admire the attention to detail! 🎨🖼️
Government
Florida Outlaws Ranting in Your Car Without Recording It and Putting It on the Internet
It’s about time the government got involved in this.
Local and Community
A man who was recently taken into custody for calling over 180,000 people in the Tampa-bay area is claiming that the phone calls were an accident and only happened because of his chronic butt dialing condition. “Yeah my ass has fingers and whenever I sit down, my ass will unlock my phone and call people,”…
Gary Humboldt, who does something for one of the companies that has offices on one of the upper floors in the Bank of America building, hates the new vanilla-scented air freshener the building’s housekeeping staff has started using in the restrooms. “The first time I smelled it, I was like ‘Woah!’” Says Humboldt. “I thought…
Justin Rooper, a sophomore at the University of South Florida, has been disowned by his family for taking a part-time job with 717 Parking. “This is it, the last straw. No son of mine…” says Todd Rooper, Justin’s father, before being overwhelmed by grief and anger. His wife Carol patted her husband’s shoulder and said,…
In what was described as a particularly long wait time to use the self-checkout at the Walmart on Fletcher Avenue, nearly 150 customers stood in line for nearly three hours before being allowed to leave the store with their purchased goods. “I got in line and went to scan one of the things in my…
Controversial web show host Alex Jones had a soft opening for his new muffin shop “Conspiracy Cakes” on 7th avenue in Ybor yesterday. The bakery features an assortment of goods that come with conspiracy theory brochures attached, ranging from the JFK assassination debriefings attached to a lemon marang pie, all the way to a flip…
With all three of Tampa Bay’s major league professional sports franchises currently active, Gerald Humfahrt of St. Petersburg, a self-described “die hard bandwagoner” says he doesn’t know which team he should be ignoring. “I’ve been ignoring the Rays since March, so that seems like the easiest, most natural option. But they’re in the playoffs so…
Megachurch pastor, Wally B. Hartwallace was very happy upon hearing the latest verdict striking down the City of Tampa’s ban on conversion therapy. “I had already bought the land right here in the heart of Downtown Tampa,” said Pastor Hartwallace who is also a host of the popular Christian AM Talk Show. The pastor had…
The “massage salons” along Kennedy Boulevard in Tampa have announced that they will be working together to host an open house for people unfamiliar with their establishments. Tampa Bay Convention and Visitors Bureau spokesperson Diana Dington says the city supports the event. “As a city, we’re among the national leaders in human trafficking and any…
A teacher in Hillsborough County is making headlines after capturing the attention of Florida Senator Rick Scott for having to work two jobs to survive. “This so-called educator is in our classrooms indoctrinating good American boys and girls with his liberal opinions while also working as a barista at the Starbucks inside of a Barnes…
As part of the organizations “fuck the fans” program, the Rays will be holding their postseason games in a stadium in Montreal which is usually being occupied by the West Cooperstown High Hogs, a high school team which is loaning their facilities to the major league baseball team which is currently in no mans land…