Tampa News Force
Birds begin evolving back into dinosaurs
“The only reason we’re not still running this place is because of that comet that struck the planet and devastated the population and now we’re much smaller and less intimidating. In your case, everything is messed up as a direct result of your own thoughtless and selfish actions.”
Breaking News
Governor’s Office Urges Citizens to Remain Calm as Gas Overage Persists
How are you dealing with all this excess gas lying around? ⛽️
DeSantis to Personally Investigate Latest Assassination Attempt on Trump
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will be conducting his own investigation regarding the attempted assassination of former President Trump at the Republican presidential nominee’s golf club…
Sports
Yankees Fan Invited to Spring Training
When the defending American League But Not World Champion New York Yankees report to Tampa for spring training in February, they’ll be joined by self-appointed…
NFL Officially Designates New Position
After years of contributions from lovable big guys, the National Football League (NFL) has designated Lovable Big Guy (LGB) an official position effective immediately. A template perfected by William “Refrigerator” Perry of the Chicago Bears in 1985 of oversized defensive linemen being used in certain offensive situations has been adapted by various teams over the…
Arts and Entertainment
Modern Day DaVinci Spends 16 Seconds On Portrait’s Smile
You have to admire the attention to detail! 🎨🖼️
Government
Florida Outlaws Ranting in Your Car Without Recording It and Putting It on the Internet
It’s about time the government got involved in this.
Local and Community
Thad Dogbreath, a sales associate at the Microgroove record store in Seminole Heights, is not surprised that conservative tv pundit Tucker Carlson is not a fan of The Replacements. “I’m not only not surprised, I’m glad”, said Dogbreath. “He seems like a real douche and not at all someone who would be into The ‘Mats.”…
A pair of Tampa Bay sports fans have filed a $6 billion class-action lawsuit against the Buccaneers, Lightning, Rays, Rowdies, Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Hockey League and the USL Championship league, due to the fact that none of the teams listed actually play their home games in the body of…
A new Pfizer vaccine specifically designed for use in vitro has been released and put into practice, vaccinating babies before they leave their mother’s womb. A syringe is inserted directly through the woman’s fallopian tube which, reaches the baby, vaccinating it, and protecting it from Covid before it’s delivered. “It didn’t hurt, and I’m happy…
The cougar exhibit at Busch Gardens has some exciting new curious cats that have recently found a new loophole in their habitat. “We installed climbing ropes in the containment enclosure to simulate the type of climbing cougars find in the wild,” said Busch Gardens’ head of cougar rehabilitation, McDanish Brekfestret. “Instead of using the ropes,…
The Tampa Bay Lightning defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs 2-1 in Game 7 of their first round series in the 2021-22 NHL playoffs Saturday night in Toronto. As a result, the Maple Leafs join the Montreal Canadiens and Calgary Flames as franchises that have lost a postseason series to the Lightning, who play in Tampa…
“It’s all we had left.” Read the last words of a note left behind by Trina Daniels, a resident of Ybor City. The new pay-to-park street spots in Ybor have been tied to dozens of recent suicides according to the final words of the unfortunate victims who succumb to the new depression of government greed.…
In an effort to become more relevant within his party and generate much needed media attention, Florida Senator Marco Rubio has announced that he is a pedophile. “I love fucking kids,” said Rubio to thunderous applause from the GOP base he so desperately wants to be accepted by. “Whenever I see a child, I get…
Notable tech giant Elon Musk has been seen in the Ybor City area attempting to purchase toilets in order to create a physical space for Twitter. “It just makes sense to me you know?” he said in a recent interview on the popular Joe Rogan podcast. “Twitter needs to be more than just a digital…
A new establishment in South Seminole Heights named “Suckers” has opened, touting its option for woman to receive an abortion while they have a drink at the bar. “The ladies sit right at the counter, and while they enjoy one of our fresh squeezed alcoholic daiquiris, below the counter we have certified medical professionals sucking…
With the nation facing a critical shortage of baby formula, two men in St. Petersburg are offering what they claim is an adequate, temporary substitute. “Yeah, we can hook you up, young moms and dads but especially moms, said Sonny Jennings. “We are the milk pimps.” Jennings said that he and his partner have developed…