Tampa News Force
City of Tampa prepares for March events, keeping citizen safety in mind
“We want to keep people safe for sure, but we aren’t a bunch of little fucking bitches are we?”
Top Headlines
Breaking News
Governor’s Office Urges Citizens to Remain Calm as Gas Overage Persists
How are you dealing with all this excess gas lying around? ⛽️
DeSantis to Personally Investigate Latest Assassination Attempt on Trump
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will be conducting his own investigation regarding the attempted assassination of former President Trump at the Republican presidential nominee’s golf club…
Sports
Yankees Fan Invited to Spring Training
When the defending American League But Not World Champion New York Yankees report to Tampa for spring training in February, they’ll be joined by self-appointed…
NFL Officially Designates New Position
After years of contributions from lovable big guys, the National Football League (NFL) has designated Lovable Big Guy (LGB) an official position effective immediately. A template perfected by William “Refrigerator” Perry of the Chicago Bears in 1985 of oversized defensive linemen being used in certain offensive situations has been adapted by various teams over the…
Arts and Entertainment
Modern Day DaVinci Spends 16 Seconds On Portrait’s Smile
You have to admire the attention to detail! 🎨🖼️
Government
Florida Outlaws Ranting in Your Car Without Recording It and Putting It on the Internet
It’s about time the government got involved in this.
Local and Community
Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a proclamation Tuesday declaring the Tampa Bay Buccaneers the “rightful winners and actual World Champions” three months after their 30-27 loss to the Los Angeles Rams in the NFC Divisional Playoffs in January. The governor’s proclamation states that “since the Bucs are a native Floridian professional football team from Tampa, I,…
Tampa’s party scene has exploded tremendously since the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic and scientist think they have figured out why. “Our fastest growing demographic in this city includes young men with access to their parents money,” said USF Professor of Urban Sociology, Dr. Wyatt Nhao. “These men lack critical thinking skills and are generally…
A 400-pound female alligator named Bessy gave birth to 2 gator babies during a ceremony of a homosexual marriage between two women named Margaret, on a golf course at Frederico Beach last Saturday. The birthing, which was not coordinated with the wedding, happened to occur right at the moment when the pastor said, “You may…
Here’s some nifty tricks and tips to find the person of your dreams! Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s 14th best astrologer Chris Coon! Aries: Keep considering yourself hot enough to be desired. Your self-image and confidence have a tangible effect on other people’s perception of you, and tastes vary wider than you might think. Also your…
After a years’ long study, monitoring 3,000 people and the moments they released flatulous gas, and what the impact on their life was afterwards, it has been determined that Wednesday night at 12 AM is the least life-effecting time of the week to rip a fart. “Statistically odds are you will be alone or laying…
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis mistakenly used the word ‘gay’ yesterday and is now terminally homosexual. He was attending a formal fundraising dinner event in Clearwater and was telling those assembled that they should pray before they began eating, but had heard an Elton John song on the radio on his way to the function, causing…
A group of South Tampa residents who only get drunk and into bar brawls on St. Patrick’s Day are eagerly anticipating resuming their favorite annual rite of passage tonight for the first time since COVID cancelled festivities in 2020. “Hoo boy, it’s been a while! I hope I remember how to gouge someone’s eyes. I’ll…
Hours after Tom Brady tweeted his unretirement, the average rent price in Tampa skyrocketed by 15%. The move was made after a message which circulated on landlords.net, explained how all rental owners could gouge their customers and they couldn’t do anything about it. “Everybody loves Tom Brady, if my tenant won’t pay the rent increase,…
People protesting the war in Ukraine are disappointed after their voices are acknowledged and confirmed as valuable and correct and they’ve all been given gold medals. “Honestly, I just like protesting because it makes me look cool on the internet. I could care less, and this is actually kind of annoying now I need to…
After the passing of the “We’re over it act” in Florida’s legislation, Tampa hospitals are now allowed to turn patients away if they don’t believe they truly need the help. “Covid showed me what real pain and death is, and I’m over pretending to care about some kids wrist or whatever.” Said nurse Vicreesha Daniels.…