Tampa News Force
DeSantis pet conspiracy blogger Kyle Lamb hires assistant
Noted conspiracy theorist, Uber driver and sports blogger Kyle Lamb, recently hired by Governor Ron DeSantis as a data analyst on COVID-19 research, has hired his own assistant, Ashley Lindsay, a USF student majoring in art history. “She’s hot, isn’t she?” said Lamb, in lieu of a more professional introduction. “Ronny said I could have…
Breaking News
Governor’s Office Urges Citizens to Remain Calm as Gas Overage Persists
How are you dealing with all this excess gas lying around? ⛽️
DeSantis to Personally Investigate Latest Assassination Attempt on Trump
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will be conducting his own investigation regarding the attempted assassination of former President Trump at the Republican presidential nominee’s golf club…
Sports
Yankees Fan Invited to Spring Training
When the defending American League But Not World Champion New York Yankees report to Tampa for spring training in February, they’ll be joined by self-appointed…
Cleaning Crews Still Removing Stink From Raymond James Stadium
Avoid the area for the next few days. ⚠️☣️☢️
Arts and Entertainment
Modern Day DaVinci Spends 16 Seconds On Portrait’s Smile
You have to admire the attention to detail! 🎨🖼️
Government
Florida Outlaws Ranting in Your Car Without Recording It and Putting It on the Internet
It’s about time the government got involved in this.
Local and Community
On this date, November 11, in 2018, the world witnessed the premiere of Tampa News Force’s first film, “Plane Train”. Ah, 2018. The world was a very different place. Donald Trump was still the President of the United States of America. We witnessed a Supreme Court nominee cry about beer. Kanye West was still just…
The newest member of the Pinellas County School Board is Dawn Peters, a self-described “Florida native, a successful businesswoman and a devoted mother to two children” who is absolutely not a supporter of QAnon, an American political conspiracy theory and political movement that originated in the American far-right political sphere in 2017 and is based…
Inspired by the success of the GenX Tavern in Tampa, Josh Gunderson, thirty-eight and perpetually confused about why boomers still call children “millennials”, is opening a Millennial Cafe. And, although the rent on the space is significantly higher than that of the GenX Tavern for a much smaller space, Gunderson promises the amenities will be…
As the east coast of Florida braces for impact from Tropical Storm Nicole, which may become a Category 1 hurricane before making landfall and is expected to have a relatively minor effect on the Tampa Bay Area, Bizarro Denis Phillips, a meteorologist from an alternate dimension, is advising residents to freak out. Denis Phillips, the…
The late British monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, has been dead for a few weeks now. The official autopsy detailing her cause of death has stated that the European Ruler suffered from an overexposure to 5G radio waves. “She loved using Pancake Swap, a crypto trading network on her phone, and she would hold her phone…
A group of babies led by one child prodigy who is able to speak and communicate with other babies despite being only 3 months old, have begun cancelling the politicians who have kissed them against their will at campaign rallies. “Just because our parents have held us out towards the politicians does not imply consent.”…
Jesus Christ, the central figure of Christianity, the world’s largest religion, who many believe to be the incarnation of God the Son and the awaited messiah as prophesied in the Hebrew Bible, was turned away from an election polling place in the Riverbend neighborhood in Tampa this morning. Arriving at St Chad’s Episcopal Church on…
If you’ve driven down US-19 in New Port Richey this past summer, you’ve likely noticed the bright yellow object in the left turn lane by the Publix. The long, slick plastic tarp is actually a homemade Slip ‘N Slide which belongs to Keith Bolling, resident of the trailer park across the street. Some citizens deemed…
In a surprisingly unnecessary move, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis gave his final campaign speech before the midterm elections in black face. “We don’t let the woke liberal mob tell us what we can and can’t do with our bodies here in Florida,” said DeSantis to an electrified audience at the Jewish Community Center of Tampa…
You know that famous quote, “All it takes for evil to be a thing is for good people to not do anything and you hardly ever do anything, so how about you get off your ass for a change and fucking do something” or however it goes? Yeah, that. Tomorrow, assuming you didn’t already vote…